Worse than I thought, but more loved, too

December 13, 2009

Maria Reflections Leave a comment

Recently, God has been bringing to my awareness, painfully, my dark nature.  This is an almost daily occurrence.  I think I have always known this aspect of myself, the selfish me that would horrified if another person were privy to my thoughts.  But I have to deal with it now.  I do repent and ask forgiveness.  But I am still shocked that I’m not seeing a diminution of my selfishness.

This morning I was wallowing in disgust and despair – not a fun combination.  But thanks be to God, He reminded me of what I have heard several times – that we are FAR worse/horrid/black-hearted than we can imagine but far more loved as well. Whew!  I realized that maybe this is part of the purification process..the heat has been increased and the dross increasingly is rising to the top …more to burn off.  But all in a secure context of safety and maximum love.  It still surprises me, however.  I didn’t grow up Christian: I don’t have an older woman in my family who has told me to expect this.    I wonder, what is the next stage?

Physical Union as Sacrament

December 7, 2009

Maria sacraments 1 Comment

In today’s offering (7 Dec 09) at Skipmoen.com, he talks about the sexual union in marriage as something akin to worship. He writes, “Given by God, consummated in His garden of delight, enacted under His banner according to His design, sexual intimacy is an act of worship, an experience of something connected directly to holiness, so close to God’s nature that it is as if we are burned by His flames.” I realized that what he is talking about are Sacraments. My husband and I now attend a church where two sacraments are practiced regularly, Holy Communion and baptism. I have always struggled with the significance of the Eucharist. Never have I felt the need to reenact it. Once I had a conversation with a friend who maintained that sharing in the Lord’s Supper was the highlight of his Sunday worship experience. For me, it has always been the sermon. I love words. I would rather read a book than watch a movie, or attend any cultural event. I feed on words. In more self-exalting moments I dismiss those who ‘need’ Communion as perhaps less intellectual than I.

But God humbled me this morning while reading Skip Moen’s commentary. I suddenly saw physical actions as necessary as and certainly more transcendent than words. My husband can tell me he loves me, but when we are in the midst of our most intimate sharing, I KNOW most assuredly that he loves me, needs me and is giving himself to me. So maybe THAT is what my friend experiences each time he physically approaches God’s alter and partakes of the bread and wine. I’m looking forward, now, to my next experience of the Sacrament of Holy Communion. I’m anticipating that I might actually FEEL that God loves me.

My life verse

December 3, 2009

Maria Disciplines, Reflections Leave a comment

I’ve settled on Ephesians 1:5- 6 as my life verse (for right now!). “He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.”

Paul is encouraging me to really understand that I exist solely so that someone can look at my life and see how marvelous God is for providing Jesus to create a way to be reconciled with God, have peace with Him and have a perfect record credited to one’s account.  These two verses are very challenging!

Every day I pray one of John Piper’s prayers:  Lord, may the words of my mouth and the actions of my hands serve to magnify the infinite worth of Jesus Christ and his death.

The only problem is that I haven’t yet lived a day and done that!  I tend to end up magnifying myself.  Yesterday, I chatted with the truck driver who delivered our Florida fruit for the Sophomore Class fruit and peanut sale.  I asked him how he spent his hours on the road.  When he mentioned that he liked to listen to Howard Stern, I launched into my sales pitch about podcasts and how there is so much rich material one can download from the internet.  I signed his delivery paperwork, he left and I realized that I had wasted an opportunity to make a plug for how marvelous Jesus is.  I actually was motivated to show him how marvelous Maria is.

This is the story of my life up through yesterday, but I live in hope that one of these days I actually will witness to Christ.  Not what he has done for me, but just what he has done, in history.

What we find difficult to accept in the Bible

November 30, 2009

Maria Reflections 2 Comments

Have you ever found it thought-provoking what hangs people up in the word of God?  For some, they can’t quite believe in a virgin birth.  For others, it’s the idea of a 6-day creation.  Still some stall out at the idea of characters in Genesis living for a really long time.

What I find curious is I’ve never heard anyone question how we’re going to be turned from dust in the ground to a newly resurrected body when Jesus comes back.  (1 Thess 4:16 –   For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first.)   Now that is amazing!  One blast from God’s trumpet and particles of dead flesh, in different stages of decay, will reassemble in a split second.  I love to picture that scene.  It’s a different version of God speaking order into chaos at creation.  The power in God’s words doesn’t penetrate my everyday thoughts.   I don’t marvel enough.

At a more mundane level, an application for me these days is to remind myself not to fret if material things are wearing out, like the wallpaper that is beginning to peal in my kitchen.  Or even my 52-year old skin.  As a red-headed child, I blithely lay out in the sun .  Now the skin damage is visible.  Oh well!  Who cares about the wallpaper.  But I’m thankful that I will get a new body.  I wonder what I’ll look like!

Live the Gospel versus Explain the Gospel

November 26, 2009

Maria Reflections Leave a comment

Whew!  I’m relieved.  After reading one of Michael Horton’s books, (Christless Christianity), I found out that the way to share the Gospel is to open my mouth and witness to the objective, true, historical reality of what Jesus did for us.  For years, I had heard it said that we should follow Francis of Assisi’ life motto, essentially live out the Gospel and only use words as necessary.  That sounds great..until one actually looks at one’s life.  I mean, I’m a believer.  But I’m also very selfish (sinful, in Christianese).  And I’m sure there are many non-believers who are more neighborly and caring than I.  I don’t have to go far to be reminded of our neighbor: ‘Super George’ – he helps EVERYone.  I don’t.

At one school where I taught, the Latin teacher was Jewish.  People often quipped about this kind lady, “She’s more Christian than most Christians”, referring to her unselfish, neighborly behavior.

But being kind to one’s neighbor doesn’t always get them to say, “Gee, there is something different about you, tell me!”

So we are commanded to explicitly proclaim the good news.  I can do that, with God’s help.  Truthfully, the Gospel is not about my transformed life, but about what Jesus did on the cross so I could have peace with God.  My sin was put on Jesus and Jesus’ life perfectly lived out was credited to me.

Pray at all times with anxiety…

November 23, 2009

Maria Disciplines 5 Comments

Prayer and anxiety

Sometimes I pray as though the outcome were up to me.  If I don’t pray enough, or with the right fervency, then my prayers might not be effective, so goes my reasoning.  After all, how does one know when one has prayed enough?  I’ve heard of people praying until they feel a peace.  There have been occasional  times when I have ‘felt’ fervent while praying, with even a few tears to boot regarding an issue close to my heart.  On those rare occasions,  I only stopped praying because I ran out of things to say to God.  Is that the kind of peace that is meant?

I was listening to D.A. Carson talk about prayer, using Paul’s exhortations in Philippians not to be anxious, to pray with thanksgiving and then to think about whatever is true and lovely.

I realized from one of his illustrations, that I can often be frenetic in my prayers.  But what is far better is to pray in faith and not in anxiety.   By this I mean that I should ask specifically for what is needed and desired and then focus the rest of my thoughts on God’s character, his past provisions and his promises.  Directing my mind in that direction will give me rest and grow my trust in God’s sovereignty.  Praying fervently with anxiety is just worry with a fake spiritual veneer.

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