Pull down that monument to Maria!

September 16, 2021

Maria Philippians 3, Pride , , 2 Comments

Others may brag about themselves, but I have more reason to brag than anyone else…… Philippians 3:4 CEV

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. Philippians 3:8 ESV

I’ve been angsting for almost two years about whether to continue or to give up a YouTube channel that I created to help people acquire English. I started it with the idea of eventually replacing my classroom teacher’s income.  But the Lord worked out a different way to provide enough money when he rapidly moved Mike into a new job that required us to move here to Huntsville, Alabama.  I left my classroom before the school year ended and no longer needed to work.

Thus vanished my initial ‘why’ for the channel. Nevertheless, I continued creating weekly videos to help English language learners, referring to it as my ‘volunteer work’.  But the truth was I NEEDED to feel special about myself, to have an identity that was ‘interesting.’  Having lost the cachet or distinction of teaching French, I found myself clinging to this enterprise of being a content provider. But soon it began to feel like an obligation, not an ‘Oh, yay!  I GET to create another video!’

Over the past few months, I have worked to find out just what is behind this desperate desire to continue if it no longer gives me joy.  Of course, the One whose desire is to make me (and all believers) more holy has been gently but steadily pushing me to see the ugliness underneath this disordered need.

Recently, my personal trainer, the Holy Spirit, showed me that I have been chiseling a monument to Maria by continuing with English without Fear. Ouch! Embarrassing, but true.  

Further reflection along with a glimpse of my ‘ego-based yuck’ prompted this realization.

  • ‘It’s this need to feel special, Maria, that’s causing you to cling tightly to this English learning channel.’

With that insight, I then asked myself, ‘What does special mean? What’s that all about?’

The answer popped quickly into my mind. Feeling special is that craving to be admired as unique and different, all the while doing one’s inner ‘superior dance’.

Oh, my! It wasn’t long before I recalled Paul’s recitation of all the reasons that made him ‘special’.  Writing the Philippians, he rattled off his singular, stellar pedigree.

Oh, I so identify with him. I know he must have taken pride in his credentials and experiences.  For that is me!

But look at how he concluded what appears to be boasting.  In listing each credential, I think Paul is simply presenting the facts. God did privilege him.  But now, Paul has seen something far more satisfying, knowing Christ.  

Having my eyes now open to what has driven me all my life, I thank God for showing me the underlying motivation for much of my life.  I don’t yet desire Jesus’ glory like I long to, but I now know how to pray.

 “Father, give me Paul’s eyes and heart to feel as he does.  All my ‘specialness’ is but rubbish compared to intimacy with you.” 

In line with the wave of dismantling Confederate statues in the US, I am taking the first step toward a right view of God and myself by tearing down this ‘monument to Maria’.

And the YouTube channel?  I sense it’s time to close out that chapter.  It feeds my ego and feels burdensome.  From this point forward, if there is anyone interested in knowing how to acquire a language, I’m going face to face. That can be in person or through Zoom.  But no more just putting out new content week by week on the web.

Another lie bites the dust

September 9, 2021

Maria 2 Corinthians 2, Holy Spirit, Humility, Satan, Spiritual Warfare , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

We tear down arguments and every presumption set up against the knowledge of God; and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 Berean Study Bible

September in Alabama means withering heat. As I watered my ferns the other day, a disheartening thought flooded my mind: ‘Life is just one chore after another!’

‘That’s horrible, Lord! Say it ain’t so!’, I desperately prayed. Immediately, I countered with as many truths that I could muster.  For God has given me the ability to control my thoughts, to capture them and not sink under them. He has endowed humans with rational minds. I am not enchained to the suggestions that flit through my mind.

As I countered this enemy attack, I directed my gaze to the beauty of my plants, to the view I had from our second-story balcony and thanked God for his good gifts.  A new thought flowed from having turned my attention to the Eternal One.  I’ve read that as ‘I AM’, he inhabits each moment, so each of our moments is eternal, because they are stamped with the creator’s mark.

Already I started to feel cheerier.

Once again, I had been caught blindsided, by what I now know as a Satan-suggestion. I’m learning to be more alert for these very effective attacks.

As I’ve written in earlier posts, this season’s sanctification curriculum designed by the supreme guidance counselor, the Holy Spirit, is aimed at humbling me.  That might sound painful, but I’m finding it to be freeing.  Andrew Murray’s book, Humility and Absolute Surrender (assigned by the Spirit and sent to me by Regina) has convinced me of the spaciousness of accepting as gift the awareness that I have been designed to be needy, rather than to be enough.  I am learning to see each little humiliation, disappointment, delay as divine gifts. So far, I have been able to smile when I recognize them.  But, knowing the Holy Coach, he has more challenging training programmed.

The fern incident gave me a helpful insight in what it means to embrace humility.  Part of my obsessive quest to be enough as Maria (the opposite of acknowledging one’s emptiness) has included the capacity to get a lot done.  What’s ironic is that when Satan through watering my plants pointed to an endless stretch of tasks, he thought he could feed my productivity itch with his depressing message. Instead, it reminded me that I was not created to DO, but to BE.

God gave Adam and Eve all they needed in abundance. Furthermore, out of love, he daily sought them out, delighting in their happiness.  Sure, they were tasked with tending creation, but he didn’t fellowship with them to see if they had completed all their chores for the day.

Then Satan entered stage right and they swallowed the evil antagonist’s suggestion of self-sufficiency, thereby rejecting their father’s kindness. They were hood-winked into believing and preferring the idea that they could be enough. That they didn’t need God.  Would that they had humbly brought this plan to their creator for his take on it.

Instead, they fell for the lie, thus enslaving themselves and their descendants to the rule of Satan, the supreme head over the Kingdom of Do.

Out of his never-ending love for us, God has been steadily working his original good plan to free us from Satan.  I can imagine no greater gift than God’s liberation. Through regeneration, he gave me eyes to see the lie and a heart that desired to turn to him. At that moment, the Holy Spirit transferred me into the Kingdom of Be.

Happy humility and restful trust in THIS King are the twin principles of those who understand God’s plan. Yet, Satan doesn’t easily give up.  He keeps marketing the lure, the supposed reward of feeling ‘enough’ through doing more.

For too much of my life, I’ve been a sucker for that carrot. But, behind that fake, glittering prize lies ongoing enslavement and the Sisyphean burden of always doing and never gaining the relief I yearn for. 

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for alerting me yet again to the lie. Help me, by your power, continually to ‘hand over each thought to Jesus’ for him to evaluate it and tell me his truth.  

The lure of wanting to be ‘enough’ versus the freedom of humility

September 2, 2021

Maria Humility, Matthew 6, Pride, Psalm 22 , , 6 Comments

Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves Matthew 6:24 NIV

For decades, I have subconsciously felt that I am ‘not enough’ as I am and have compensated, without being aware of how much. 

Slowly over the months, God has been guiding me in a new sanctifying journey of coming face to face with what I now see as a sinful reaction to feeling like I am not enough. 

I believe I started to craft a ‘worthy’ persona in my sophomore year of high school.  Trying out and NOT being selected for a drill/dance team (one step down from the cheerleaders) together with a sense that I wasn’t popular changed my direction. I buried myself in academics. Not a bad thing in itself.  But it initiated a trajectory of increasing drivenness.

Something happened last fall to trigger this new phase of spiritual growth. Graham, my son, shared a podcast interview with guest Jamie Winship. When Jamie named that feeling of ‘not being enough’, God touched something in my core, that released tears.

Jamie went on to describe the freedom that comes from just journaling or talking out loud to Jesus about raw feelings and listening to what He says through Scripture. Since then, God has slowly been revealing the sin that drives one to craft a persona that is ‘worthy’ of the world’s attention.

Summer arrived and the process of leaving ‘enoughness’ to Jesus gained speed.  An overnight retreat and catch-up with my dear friend Regina brought painful but liberating insights.  As she listened to me, I suddenly could see how like Martha I have been and how much more like Mary I long to be.

Regina reminded me of Jesus’ humility and mentioned author Andrew Murray.  A few weeks later Regina gifted me with Murray’s book entitled, Humility and Absolute Surrender.

Then last week, at the end of August, Mike and I spent 5 days in mountains of North Georgia. We spent our mornings slowly, savoring the beauty as we read God’s word, thought, prayed and shared insights.

What I am learning from Andrew Murray’s book is this fact:

  • I am not enough and neither are you.  That is by God’s purposeful design for David writes in Psalm 22:9 (NIV) ….. you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.

So, my self-assessment at age 15 was accurate. The truth is, God did not design any of us to be enough, to be self-sufficient. He created us to be 100% dependent on Him, to be needy as a nursing baby.

I see now that although I accurately assessed my condition back in the ‘70s, I didn’t see that TWO paths lay before me.  I listened only to Satan’s solution, that of ‘making myself enough’. All along, another choice waited, that of owning my ‘not enoughness’ and embracing God’s plan for JESUS to be my sufficiency!

But, how would I have known?  I didn’t grow up in a Christian home.  I didn’t know anything about God other than a vague notion that He existed.

Murray presents the two paths, or you could say, the two kingdoms.  Satan encourages us to live in the Kingdom of Pride of Self (as I’m calling it) and Jesus invites us into his Kingdom of Humility.

As that opening verse from Matthew declares, the way into the Kingdom of Humility is to deny oneself.  For me, I define that as ‘stop feeding what make you think you are special.’   I don’t think I struggle with wanting to be self-sufficient. Ever since I became a Christian, I have prayed for what I need. But I now see that I take pride in so many aspects of Maria.  Every judgment I make about someone, practically without thinking, is a 180-degree statement of what makes Maria special.

Murray is providing me with new ideas, such as:

  • the glory of being just an empty vase chosen by God
  • how Jesus emptied himself
  • the freedom of being nothing
  • the spaciousness of letting everyone be better than me
  • the leisure of seeking only to learn humility from my Champion and serving my fellow man

I have much to learn and to put into practice.  But I feel hope-filled for the first time in a long time.  Thanks be to God!

How to live if you are an Afghan Christian

August 24, 2021

Maria Acts 20, Fear, Matthew 26, Persecution, Psalm 31, Romans 8 , , Leave a comment

As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” Romans 8:36 NIV

Followers of Christ in Afghanistan these days live with terror. All Afghanis must feel threatened, especially those who desperately want to flee Kabul.  But to be Christian in Afghanistan these days is to have a bulls-eye painted on your back with neon colors. As in other countries where believers are persecuted, neighbors know just who has accepted Christ and left the majority religious community, whether Islamic, Buddhist or Hindu.

Each morning as I read reports from Open Doors or hear the news, I try to imagine how I would feel. Just how I would deal with the pressure of impending death at the hands of the Taliban? How I would live with the fear that comes simply from being Christian in Afghanistan?

You’d have to live as though you were already dead!

That’s the only way I can think to reduce the tension, live with the stress.  Whether actual death comes today or tomorrow or next week, soon you’ll be with Jesus.  With that mindset, that you’re as good as dead, you’d have nothing to lose by helping other Christians, of spending yourself for neighbors, of even telling your executioners about Jesus.

We Christians SAY we believe that God sovereignly plans our birth and our death and everything in between, but I can’t say that I live that way, functionally.  I know I hold ‘my plans’ too tightly.

This morning I lingered over Psalm 31.  Verse 15 fit my reflections about the fall of Afghanistan to the Taliban.  “My times are in your hands…” NIV. I’ve read that the Hebrew word for ‘times’ can also refer to events or seasons.

Jesus knew this dual reality.  He considered himself dead to the world, and alive to his father.  How else can we explain his calm warmth during that last supper, the very night he was betrayed? Psalm 31: 5 proclaims, “Into your hands I commit my spirit” NIV.  Jesus gasped out these very words from the cross (Luke 23:46). And Stephen who was martyred likewise committed his spirit to Jesus.

I’m asking myself, “Maria, how would your life change if you gave back each day to the Lord, leaving it for him to do what he has planned.  Paul mentions, ‘not counting his life dear’ (Acts 20:24).

I’m not ‘there’ yet.  But thinking about the persecuted church, and especially Afghani brothers and sisters right now, challenges me.  And that is good.

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. Matthew 16:25 NLT

Do Christians have any rights?

August 19, 2021

Maria John 1 , , , 5 Comments

…..to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. John 1:12 NLT

Do you ever look at a verse and see it differently?  That happened to me this week. I came across John 1:12 in a prayer and it just stopped me.  Let me tell you why.

If you are American, then you have grown up with the sense that you have certain rights. The Declaration of Independence mentions ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness’ as creator-endowed rights. At the time of our struggle against England, mentioning the creator added weight to America’s claim that no man-made government could deprive people of these gifts.

I grew up with a sense of pride regarding our country’s founding and I do thank God for all his goodness to America. But when I came across John’s mention of our ‘right to become children of God, I started to think of rights differently.  I asked myself, “Is it true that He has given all people the ‘right’ to life, freedom and lifestyle/work choices? What rights, if any, do we have from God?”

This musing over rights strikes me as ironic against the backdrop of the ongoing pro-vs- anti vaccine debates. Everyone points to their rights to do what they want with their own bodies.

John singles out a certain group of people who receive a right, those who trust Jesus. It is they who are welcomed into God’s family.

Seeing this ‘right’ in a new light, I wondered if the Bible describes other rights. I looked up the Greek word John used, ‘exousia’. This term can mean power, but it also includes the ideas of privilege and authority. Rights are a privilege that apparently come with ability to exercise them.

Looking back at the verse, I noticed something else, that this right is a gift. If something is a gift, then we, the recipients, have no ground for saying we are OWED it. In fact, God is not obligated to grant us this blessing or anything good.

Maybe a more important question to pose, rather than ‘what are my God-given rights’ is, ‘what rights does God have’? Do we, his created ones, owe him something?

That’s easy. As our creator, he owns us. He alone has the right to use us as he sees fit. He holds author’s rights. What do they involve?  Per Wikipedia, the rights of the one who creates something include property, that is economic, rights as well as moral rights.

Just thinking about God’s property and moral rights makes me want to shut my mouth about ANY rights.  You and I are simply grace-receivers.  I need help in shifting my perspective from that of a gal who assumes I have rights to that of humble child, grateful to receive as gift this right of being welcomed into the Father’s family.  I want to live with a mindset of stunned happy astonishment for having been included. It IS a privilege.

What follows next then is to ponder the responsibilities that come with family membership!

Do you struggle to have joy?

August 12, 2021

Maria Hebrews 12, Nehemiah 8, Psalm 2 , , , 2 Comments

The joy of the LORD is your strength, Nehemiah 8:10 NIV

I’m reading a book by Simon Sinek that my son Wes recommended, Start with the Why. One of his teaching points is that if employees sense their company respects them, including them in the company’s vision, the ‘why’, then profitable outcomes will follow naturally. Getting employee buy in and creating a work environment where they feel safe and valued increases retention and allows for innovation.

Would that had been my experience in my last school where I taught French! As much as this private school publicized their values and vision for education, in reality they optimized keeping clients happy, i.e., parents. The administration feared losing paying families.  They talked a good talk of being a progressive school which used ‘best practices’, but in reality, teachers were expendable and always at fault in any conflict with parents. The head and his staff cared most about keeping the bottom line in the black.

Just as building employee loyalty and confidence starts with decision makers optimizing a happy and safe work environment, so too does our God know just what will make us feel most safe, loved and cared for.

Look again at how God describes his people’s strength and safety.  He announces it’s connected to HIS joy.  Whose joy?  I used to struggle with this verse because I never feel consistently joyful about God.  I often wondered, ‘Is the strength of my faith dependent on the amount of joy I can gin up?’  Since my feelings go up and down, that thought offered no comfort.

But then I wondered, maybe the Levites weren’t talking about the people’s joy, but the Lord’s joy.  If that’s the case, wouldn’t that change everything?

So, is the Lord joyful? Is he a happy God?  What would you say?

I thought of two places in the Bible that present a cheerful God, one from each testament.

  • Psalm 2:4 NLT reports:  But, the one who rules in heaven laughs.
  • Jesus went to the cross, for the joy awaiting him. Hebrews 12:2 NLT

Closely connected to laughing and joy is pleasure.  At Jesus’ baptism, God audibly announces that he is ‘well pleased’ with his son. The Father repeats this at the transfiguration. 

I conclude that our triune God is a happy God.  So, how does that lead to our strength?  Think about parents.  What provides security to children? Happy and contented parents, for kids can then conclude, ‘If Mom and Dad don’t seem worried, then I guess we’ll be okay,’ despite difficulties. That parental quality might not be the only quality of a healthy home, but I’ll argue that it’s essential.   

To the degree that I can trust that God is not worried about life on planet earth in 2021, then I will feel safe.  Strength to face difficulties comes from knowing that we will always be secure, since God is in charge. Our heavenly Father is not rocked by world events. He can laugh and be carefree because he controls all events. As PCA pastor Scotty Smith repeats, ‘God’s sovereignty is my sanity.’

Finally, let’s connect God’s manifest joy and happiness to his peace.  Isn’t it logical that the one who controls all events and people, directing them according to his plan, is a God who is at peace?  He’s not stressed.  We all know that joy and peace flee when worry dominates.  Maybe this is why Paul’s exhortation to hand over all cares is a path to enjoying God’s supernatural peace, that state of tranquility that can only be explained by God being in control of everything.

It’s not my self-generated peace or joy that will steady me in this life.  Peace and joy from above flow downhill, whether from the executive headquarters of a company or parents in a family. As Christians our confidence in life comes from knowing that our God is enjoying himself and is cheerfully happy.  His joy is our strength.

How God used a Daddy Longlegs

August 5, 2021

Maria Creation, Ecclesiastes 3, Romans 8, Sin , , 3 Comments

Creation itself will also be set free from the bondage of decay, into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. Romans 8:21 Berean Study Bible

Each morning during the summer I like to sit out on the back patio to watch the birds, study the day’s Bible passages, pray, journal and read a bit in a theology book.  Right now, I’m savoring my way through John Piper’s Providence.

I love hearing and glancing up at the birds as I soak up early morning beauty. I don’t spend a lot of time watching their playful antics at our birdfeeder. I simply appreciate sharing the morning hour with them. But this morning at one point, not a bird, but an insect caught my attention and I became fixated.  A struggling Daddy Longlegs spider was nursing one of her eight legs which didn’t seem to working right.  She was trying to move closer to one of our plants, but kept falling over and resting.  Had she suffered a stroke, or broken a leg? Was she old? I couldn’t move my eyes off of her persevering move-and-rest struggle.

My eyes suddenly filled with tears.  Startled, I asked myself ‘What is going on?’ I’m not often moved to tears. But when something goes right to my heart, tears signal a deep feeling that I dare not ignore.

The Holy Spirit wordlessly whispered and I journaled: ‘Don’t you want to live in a world where no one and not a single living thing dies?  Where insects, birds, animals, flowers, trees, people flourish forever?’  Of course, I do.  I thought of the local pregnancy resource center where I volunteer.  Each of our appointments with gals who find themselves pregnant give us an opportunity to share the Good News of Jesus Christ.  I feel nervous sometimes and pray for a way to gently lead a gal into a conversation.  But this morning, I thought: ‘Why am I afraid to ask people that very question prompted by observing a handicapped spider? Afterall, God has wired all of his image bearers to protest death.

Don’t we struggle to let go of our beloved, aging pets?  Why do we shrink back from the ravages of disease or even old age in those whom we love?  Because it’s not supposed to be this way. We know that.  Even secularists feel this. 

Think about what drives the ‘health space’ here in America, where one can find fitness training programs, multitudes of supplements to buy and eating plans promoted with religious fervor. Engineers playing with artificial intelligence also come to mind. I don’t know a lot, but I hear enough about well-financed research projects to extend human life span, or clone versions of one self. None of this is new.  Weren’t we taught in our history classes that Ponce de Leon explored the new world, partly motivated to locate a fountain of youth?

Back to Mr. or Mrs. Daddy Longlegs who by the way, per Wikipedia live longer than I would have imagined such a fragile being could endure, 1 year for males and up to 3 years for females.  What brought me to tears is what the writer of Ecclesiastes 3:11 penned, ‘He has planted eternity in the human heart’ (NLT)

I pray that the next time someone brings up an aging and infirm person or beloved pet or even if someone laments the harm done to trees and baby seals, I pray that I gently ask them my Holy Spirit-inspired question:

  • Don’t you want to live in a world where no one nor any living thing dies? Yes? Then let me tell you how. That kind of world depends on one person, whose name is Jesus.

Friends, we have good news of a coming new and forever creation, where all will be made beautiful and meant to last. It’ll be better than Eden because we won’t be able to harm anyone or anything.  Finally freed from our sin because of Jesus, we will joyfully enjoy God, one another and the rest of the created world.

My sin exposed, the good and the bad of it.

July 28, 2021

Maria Addictions, Romans 7, Sanctification, Selfishness, Sin, Spiritual Warfare , , 1 Comment

For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Romans 7:19 NIV

For the very first time ever, I can say: ‘I hate my sin!’ I realize that until this morning, I have never seen my sin from God’s perspective: ugly, shameful and with a will of its own.

A trail of broken confidences follows me. Heart-sharings from Christian girlfriends who have trusted me as they confide and unload burdens. Issues that they would not want me pass on to anyone else.  And I have betrayed them.

A gentle malaise, a warning from the Holy spirit recently came over me when I contemplated ‘confiding’ in someone else what a friend recently had revealed to me. I ignored divine counsel and pandered to my naked lust to feel superior at the expense of a friend.  I have known this side of me for years.  And in the past, with ‘sincere and well-intentioned’ human sincerity tried to tamp it down, to resist indulging it. No success, nor any progress, evidently!

Writing this early in the morning, I now see the wisdom in John Owen’s advice: ‘Be killing sin or sin will be killing you!’ Constant vigilance is our call.  This is the ‘denying yourself’ that Jesus teaches.

What happened this morning, then?  I woke up from a deep sleep and rescue from a Holy Spirit nightmare.  I know it was from the Lord because conviction pierced my heart.  And I felt shame.

How can I call this good? Because the Lord has finally brought me to a place where I can say with true conviction: “I hate my sin.!”  No more will I harbor the illusion that I can control this behavior. Cold Turkey is the only remedy. Give it up, girl!  Yet, I know I have no power.  I don’t trust myself.  I am addicted to those sweet morsels of corruption, that once digested putrefy in my heart. Excuse my coarseness, but the results are far worse than those embarrassing farts!

I think THAT is the point, to know that I can’t control my sin.  It’s not a habit to be controlled.  I must be willing to eradicate it.  Is this the living sacrifice that God calls for?  To lay ourselves on God’s altar with honest vows and pleas? 

This morning, I begged, ‘Take this away from me, Father! Make me willing to keep offering it freely to you. Yet, you know I can put no confidence in Maria’s mind or heart to do this even five minutes from now. Like Paul who shared with the Roman Christians I admit…’

22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

I see the way forward and it is daunting. For how will I and any of us put to death this insatiable monster named ‘Me!’? My and your only hope is a moment-by-moment alert, desperate, clinging, dependence on the Holy Spirit who IS our Ezer, our ‘Helper, par excellence’.

May the Lord give us that victory that is in Christ who is our righteousness and our sanctification. We already have his forgiveness. But I NOW want to be conformed to Jesus MORE than indulge this evil habit. Keep me abiding in that NOW.

I’m retired, now what?

July 22, 2021

Maria Isaiah 49, Romans 11, Work , , 1 Comment

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Romans 11:36 ESV

I’ve been churning and angsting these days, trying to pinpoint my organizing principle, my ‘why’ for how I spend the time God allots me each week.  I retired from classroom teaching 28 months ago.  For decades teaching and other work occupied the ‘big rock’ position in my jar of time. The others hours in a week filled up the space around that central commitment.

Having actively participated in the work force all my life has made adjusting to ‘no more big rock’ a source of stress. When you don’t work for money, choosing wisely how to spend time is more difficult.

By grace, Mabel and Tom Kenney visited last week, bringing me a tool in the form of four questions. At one point Mabel had been at a similar crossroads in her life when a friend and fellow pastor to Tom suggested a way to think about new commitments. The first question pierced my heart: ‘What is it that no one else but you can do?’  As my thoughts flew to skills, Mabel shared her answer, stunning me: ‘No one else can be Tom’s wife!’ This had nothing to do with talents or life experience, but with God’s providential choice of her primary relationship.

“I and no one else am Mike’s wife!” How freeingly simple! Loving, tending, guiding and enjoying this man of mine is my primary calling.  With that direction, it was easy to consider my role with each of our family members. My time connecting with family is of highest value.

The second and third questions Mabel shared had to do with what we just absolutely LOVE and DON’T love doing. Priorities and activities began to fall naturally into a hierarchy of value.

Reading Paul’s proclamation from Romans 11 this morning gave me a new idea.  I laid verse 26 over my current struggles and rewrote it this way:

 FROM the Lord is this churn over priorities and time.  I am getting THROUGH it with him and it is TO him that I offer my efforts, my stumblings, my back-and-forths, so that he GETS the glory when he has completed this segment of the painting, the tapestry that is my life.

What helped me this morning after that written affirmation was to make two lists.  My dad used to deal with decisions about time and activities by dividing them into the ‘have-to-dos’ and the ‘nice-to-dos’. So, I formed two columns, writing down all the Maria-scheduled events of my week.  Bible reading, study, prayer and journaling claim first position of all my chosen commitments.  Then follow appointments for health maintenance such as exercise class, regular chiro adjustments, sleep, stretching. Home and food prep have their assigned days and times. Next come particular times during the week when I meet by Zoom with Hispanic friends for mutual Spanish and English progress. Then there are those ministries I participate in weekly at church and at our local pregnancy resource center.  Zoom calls with Mike’s mom show up twice a week. And once school starts back up, Noah and Vera will each have a weekly slot for their Zoom Spanish and French lessons. Last and certainly not least are two dear friends with whom regular interactions both support and feed my soul. Finally, reading in Spanish each afternoon while Mike takes his shower and gets cleaned up for dinner rounds out my list.  Those twenty minutes feed and settle my soul after a ‘full day of work’.

Then there are the ‘nice-tos’.  I starred and highlighted just one, writing this weekly blog.  Everything else falls below that, if there is time.  Activities like the weekly video for my ‘EnglishwithoutFear’ YouTube channel, writing vignettes about second language learning as well as life stories to pass on to my kids.  I do like to write.  The occasional walk and talk with a friend fit into this category of ‘if there is enough time in the week, let’s do it.’

When company comes or we travel, the schedule changes, of course. But most of my days are spent at home and starting with the ‘what can I do that no one else can’ served as the impetus to see and order all these activities.  I feel relief!

Then the Lord added his heavenly perspective. Regina called me this morning less than 2 hours after I made my list and gave me a section of Isaiah that she was praying specifically for me.

In a time of favor I have answered you……I will ….. give you as a covenant to the people……saying to the prisoners, ‘Come out,’ to those who are in darkness, ‘Appear.’ They shall feed along the ways; on all bare heights shall be their pasture…..Isaiah 49:8-9 ESV 

I saw immediately how I am one of Jesus’ heralds of life and light and hope. I have good news for prisoners of darkness and hungry sheep.  Feeding myself first in the morning and then daily self-care give me the ballast and energy to minister to others through my presence and through my writing.  This is enough.  I am content.  Thanks be to God.

From rule to rest

July 15, 2021

Maria Psalm 18 , , , , Leave a comment

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. Psalm 18:19 NIV

Friends often describe me as intense or focused. What I feel on the inside is driven and rarely spontaneous. I plan out each day’s activities. I set a Schedule and follow it. What do you think my # one idol is? Having ‘enough’ time to get done what I want to do.

As I turn 64 in this national-liberty-from British-rule month of July, I’ve been yearning to be set free from the mindset of living by a ‘rule of life’.   Thanks be to God who has been meeting me in that yearning and drawing me slowly toward green pastures and quiet waters.

How have I sensed a new direction? During the past few years, as I have grown to trust God’s sovereign control over every detail of my life, I have practiced releasing the day’s agenda to God.  Bumps and detours don’t tend to bother me as much, any more. I can chuckle at the Holy Spirit’s redirection.

But what still drains me is this ‘delightful’ problem:

‘How do I stay connected with so many Christian sisters I have known and loved over the years across our multiple moves? These are gals with whom I have enjoyed deep and rich sharing.  I LIKE them, I MISS them.  And I’ve been searching for a formula, a way to organize my weeks to keep up with these gals.  Just thinking about this has drained me, especially in light of Oswald Chambers’ idea of the Christian life being one marked by ‘spontaneous creativity’.  I have felt anything BUT spontaneously creative.  More like, a prisoner of a system that I have devised.

So, when God created a space for an overnight meet-up with Regina, one of those sweet sisters, I hoped that through sharing with her, the Holy Spirit would bring some healing perspective to my feeling stuck. I wrote down in my journal, “I don’t like my first instinct to want another rule, a practice to trust.  I’m tired of being responsible for maintaining connections. If it’s possible, I would dearly prefer relying on Jesus to direct me each day in whom ‘to love’. 

Regina and I met up in the small town of Carrollton, Georgia – equidistant from both of us. Although we know each other from teaching languages in Yorktown, Virginia, she now lives in North Augusta, South Carolina and I live in Huntsville, Alabama.  Our last ‘spiritual retreat’ happened twenty-one months ago, pre-pandemic. Our pattern in the past has been to spend a night in a hotel, enjoy a leisurely dinner out and get down to serious Bible reflection in the morning before returning home.

Regina is as much a thinker as I am, and has a wicked sense of humor. As an artist, she thinks in pictures.  As a Latin scholar, schooled in the classics, and lover of military history, she brings a different perspective to our spiritual walk with Jesus. I took my notebook with me to dinner, knowing I wanted to jot down where our conversation led us.

‘What I want, Regina, is to rest,” I shared, diving right in.  Continuing, I explained, “But I don’t know how to get out of my way of seeing and doing life. I’m exhausted AND I know that I am the one who is setting the pace.  After all, I left classroom teaching 27 months ago!  However, this habit of getting things done, this drivenness dates back to high school days.”

We ping-ponged back and forth between my issue as well as what Jesus was showing her in the midst of some heart-aches. The Holy Spirit gently worked in my heart during dinner in the cute historic square of this delightful town, and especially as we sat on a bench enjoying some ice cream.

The next morning, He would bring it together for me with a simple but radical way forward.

We spent two full hours down in the lobby with coffee, our Bibles and notebooks. Thoughts and scripture tumbled out, firmly directing me toward freedom. Regina’s reflections, supported by the Word brought me liberated me. As we parted ways until our next meet-up, Jesus willing, I felt released.

The freedom commenced with two words: Rest and Receive. Both concepts felt like living water to this very parched girl. Through Regina, He showed me the following:

  • The Good Shepherd doesn’t push or drive his sheep, he gently leads.
  • He invites us to rest, to receive, to reset which he calls restoration.
  • He has already released his children from Satan’s kingdom of DO, DO, DO.
  • I don’t have to plan my life, for I have a shepherd.

Those two freedom-bringing concepts started a torrent of other ‘re’ words like reject Satan’s way, his modus operandi of DO. (Did I forget again that we are human BE-ings, not human DO-ings?)

So, full of new paradigms on the way home, I thought about my dad, an Infantry officer whose motto is: ‘Drive on all the way’.  That’s a great motto for soldiers who have an objective to conquer, but as far as a rule of life for you or me, it’s a ball and chain.

Suddenly, I recalled the number of times Pop would say proudly to me, “Maria, you and I are DO-ers!”   The unspoken message blared loudly, “….unlike your mother.”

For sure, Mom was a gal who loved life, who found joy in smelling the flowers, in beautiful things, in pursuing lengthy conversations with ANYone she met. No one was a stranger. 

As a teen and then in my adult life, I disparaged her ways, feeling superior, reveling in my dad’s pride that I was a DO-er!  I rue and regret with shame how I judged her. 

My prayer, my desire now on the cusp of starting a new chronological year is simply to let the Shepherd lead me, leaving it to him to sort out who I stay in contact with.  I can rely on him as I give up making and following ‘rules of life’, that left-brain approach to DO-ing life.  Instead, I will let God-implanted desires lead me.

Two thoughts from this morning resonate with me: ‘Love the one you’re with’, that is the person God brings across my path today.  And the idea of ‘rivers of delight’ described in Psalm 36:8.

Doesn’t being led by a gentle shepherd sound good to you?  Green pastures, still waters, soul restoration, all speak of a better way, a more ancient way.

PS:  One final thought: m name is Maria, which is Spanish for Mary.  My mom did NOT name me Martha, the resentful DOING sister in the kitchen.  I am Mary/Maria, the gal who wants to sit at Jesus’ feet to rest and receive.  When he moves out, I plan to follow.

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