What does it mean when I’m bored?

January 5, 2023

Maria Humility, Luke 10, Worship , , , Leave a comment

But wanting to justify himself, he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor? Luke 10:29 Berean Standard Bible

I confess! I felt bored during church this past Sunday.  Really? Sunday, the first day of a brand-new year? Isn’t that when most people feel the most energized by the hope of new possibilities, potential growth, plans and changes for the good?

I did confess multiple times during the service this sin of a cold heart, “Father, I’m ashamed of feeling this way. I don’t understand my ennui, this impatience with the service.  I’m definitely not worshipping. Forgive me!  Joyce often tells me how much she looks forward to and longs to be fed at church, how those hours with others in worship and in fellowshipping fill her with joy and energy. What’s wrong with me?”

Then two days later, boredom during my Spanish conversation hour shocked me. “What is going on?  Am I just bored with my life?”

Thankfully, God spoke to me through one of Graham’s podcasts.  Although his message centered on business advice, I immediately saw an application to my life. He spoke about how humility in one’s business is the key (and often the missing ingredient) to success.  Explaining that being humble is not thinking poorly of oneself but rather thinking less often about oneself, he counseled business owners to begin with considering how best to serve their customers.

Most entrepreneurs and companies produce products or offer services that support their personal or organizational goals. That isn’t ‘bad’ but Graham suggested first focusing on and analyzing the most pressing needs of clients. He seeks a way to serve his clients, providing what they lack.

I asked myself, “Is this what I’ve been missing in my weekly activities? Maybe entering each morning set on serving others would transform my day. Dallas Willard describes this intention as a ‘to-whom-will-I-be-a-neighbor’ kind of posture. I bet THAT would turn the ordinary into an adventure, since the Lord is in charge of bring ‘neighbors’ across my path!” 

In my day-to-day life a lot of what I do is serve people, since I am retired. I volunteer in various places and in different ways. But maybe, by being more intentional in how I approach the day or the occasion and by studying how best to serve the person in front of me, I will feel more energized and expectant.

A doable practice to implement, I realize, will be how Jamie Winship interacts with the people he encounters each day.  With each contact, he bypasses the formulaic, ‘How’s it going?’ and instead uses a generative (i.e., unique) question, tailored to the individual.  Just how does he personalize his words? He describes leading with a question based on an observation about the person. Maybe the name tag of the grocery store check-out gal provides a clue. Or perhaps the Uber driver’s tattoo could provide an entry point.

In other words, as a first step, I’m to really look at the person in front of me, ‘study them’ so to speak, to learn if there’s a way to serve or help them.

Returning to my experience at church last Sunday, I hope to bring a different heart into worship.  I plan on asking Jesus to help me enter into the community with an attitude that seeks to connect with my brothers and sisters.  Who among them needs some comfort, some encouragement or just a hug? Most importantly, may I worship the Lord, serving him with a glad, thankful AND whole heart.

When you don’t know what to do.

November 20, 2022

Maria 1 Peter 3, Ecclesiastes 3, God's wisdom, Humility, James 1, Jeremiah 33 , , , , Leave a comment

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5 ESV

I drafted a different kind of post yesterday, thinking that God wanted me to take a break from writing these weekly blogs.  When I talked it over with Mike, he responded that this is one of those neutral issues, that I am free to cease or to continue. When we prayed before dinner, he asked the Lord to guide me in this decision.

After dinner, since I always check emails before settling down to read, I caught a text that gave me pause. Valerie had written me to say how much my last blog piece had helped her in the midst of some self-reproach. Wow!  I took that a guidance from Jesus to keep writing. And then this morning, Linda reenforced that encouragement with her kind words.

So, I will continue.  Below is what I THOUGHT I was going to post.  But, God!

***

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:a time to keep silence, and a time to speak….Ecclesiastes 3: -1, 7 ESV

I have been blogging regularly since 23 November 2009.  That is thirteen years.

I started writing publicly in order to capture those thoughts God generated in me based on Scripture. I had filled notebooks with them, but never went back to read my ‘nuggets’.  I ended up throwing my journals away. In shifting to blogging, my reasoning went like this:  ‘At least I’ll have a permanent record of this growing in understanding God.’

Sometimes something I heard on a Christian podcast or read in a book would prompt me to think more deeply and apply what the Lord was showing me.

No doubt you recognize my vanity in believing that my reflections can help others see something new and fresh about God.

But, even if these posts don’t connect with anyone, my life is proof of one of Mike’s favorite quotes, ‘Writing is thinking’.

But recently I have wondered if my self-generated weekly commitment to post something publicly hasn’t caused me to think too much and too often about myself and what I am feeling or going through.

This morning, the Holy Spirit focused that line of thinking, directing me to the suggestion that I ‘fast’ from writing these blogs.  I noted in my journal: “Is my blogging perpetuating this ongoing inward focus on Maria?”

You’ve heard the description of humility, no doubt: “Don’t think less of yourself, just think of yourself less.”

To that end, I am initiating an Advent fast. Will I still write?  Yes, but with a focus on magnifying God.  And privately. 

My goal is to grow into the kind of woman described in 1 Peter 3:4 and 6.  You remember that glimpse of Abraham’s wife Sarah whose inner beauty came from her faith in God during scary times?

“And you are her (Sarah’s) children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening…..” Verse 6.   Peter has just written earlier in verse 4, “You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”

I want to cultivate that quiet spirit.

Thank you to all of you who have written kind comments and thoughtful responses. You have encouraged me in both what I have shared and my writing skills. 

So, faithful and kind readers, I bid you ‘au revoir’ or possibly ‘adieu’.  The Lord will direct me. In the meantime, keep mining the Word for the gold that is there.  Our God promises that if we seek him with a sincere and persistent heart, he will meet with us and reveal previously hidden things.

‘Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ Jeremiah 33:3

What do you hope people notice about you?

November 17, 2022

Maria Gentleness, Humility, Patience, Philippians 4, Titus , , Leave a comment

Let your ________ be evident to all. The Lord is near. Philippians 4:5 NIV

If you know your Bible well, you can easily add the missing word without checking.

Before you do pull out your phone to verify what you think Paul wrote, just play with me for a moment. What other quality might Paul have exhorted us to strive for? 

Paul COULD have said, ‘Let your…..love be evident to all’. That would make sense given that in 1 Corinthians 13 the apostle says that love is the greatest gift of the Spirit.

 Or, let your good deeds, or holiness, or Bible knowledge or wisdom. 

But no. Paul mentions ‘gentleness’. Checking synonyms, I found patience and moderation as possibilities. Paul provided more clarity in Titus 3:2, where he describes ‘gentleness’ as ‘showing humility to everyone’.

What convicted me this morning when thinking about this verse, is how I try to make some pretty shallow qualities be evident to all.  Such as my intelligence, or fitness, or even Bible knowledge.

But what I think I ACTUALLY exhibit, at times, is my selfishness.  One way this shows up is in the way I ‘naturally’ go about helping someone.  What I’m learning is that my natural response has been to provide the kind of encouragement or assistance that would help me. This means I have assumed the person is like me and shares the same needs, or receives love as I do.

Loving others takes intention and effort.  What kind of effort?  I’m realizing, again, that I have to study someone to learn what a need is and what would actually meet that need.

Just because I feel helped or loved a certain way doesn’t mean my friend processes her need the same way.

I’m a work in progress in this journey towards holiness. Progress, not perfection, is what I’m striving for.  I truly do want to be more like Jesus.

Futile speculations

October 6, 2022

Maria Humility, Proverbs 29, Romans 1, Trusting God , 1 Comment

Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained, But happy is one who keeps the Law. Proverbs 29:18 NASB

I worked hard last night.  Thinking.  No wonder I woke up, already tired.

Just how did I spend hours in the night speculating about scenarios? I’m in Seattle helping my mother-in-law sort through what to discard, donate, sell and move across country. 

Since Mom is mostly wheelchair bound, I imagined her actual flight across country and the actual move in and set up in her new Senior Living apartment. I examined and lived through future scenarios as I imagined them to be.  That is, from THIS point and time stamp on the horizontal.

This morning, with my Frenchpress coffee, I listened to one of John Eldredge’s Pause meditations and immediately SAW how I had exchanged God’s gift of rest for time spent focused on the cares of this world.

I journaled my conversation:

  • ‘Jesus, I disconnected myself from you. I see now what happened, where I went wrong.
  • Did I even ask you, before turning out the light, to increase my focus on you?  No!
  • Did I pray for you to fill me with more of you, crowding out temporal thoughts? No!’

Then I wrote my plea.  ‘Tonight, Father, please!  Remind me…give me a compelling picture of you, so I can hand over my cares.’

I didn’t have to wait until tonight. Immediately, an earlier ‘vision’ or picture of Jesus’ night vigil, watching over me popped into my mind.

At times during the past several months, I have settled into sleep picturing Jesus and me sitting cozily together on a leather sofa in front of a fire crackling with warmth and light.

I tell him my cares, humbly off-loading them as Peter instructs us in 1 Peter 5:7.  He receives them and bids me good night.  I move off into the bedroom and leave the door cracked.  My situations are with him for the night.

This morning, I took that vision a step further.  I imagined Jesus reminding me before I left my warm spot next to him: ‘Remember, Maria, I will work out the details and give you instructions for these events when it is time.’  I nod and go off to bed.

Do you remember the words before that ‘Cast all your cares on Him….’ promise?  God instructs us to give him our situations by humbling ourselves.  That means, we let go of them.  We release the illusion that we know best. 

Hm. That’s hard.

The Lord brought Solomon’s God-inspired teaching to mind right after my cabin scenario. Using the various Hebrew slants of several terms, I worded Proverbs 29:18 like this:

Part A – Where there is no mental sight or dream, the people neglect, overlook (God).  They are uncovered, open to unbridled human thoughts.

Part B – But he that guards and treasures God’s instruction is HAPPY, blessed!

That truth-seeking treasure hunt down the paths of words led me to God’s reminder in Psalm 40:4  How happy (blessed) is the man who has made the Lord his trust!

With those reflections in my journal, I moved on to one of the morning’s readings in Romans 1.  God clobbered me with more reinforcement.

Romans 1:25 –  Just as non-Christians who turn their backs on God, I am guilty of exchanging the truth about the Lord for lies. 

Such as:  I have to figure this out myself!

Just four verses earlier in Romans 1:21 I read and wrote down:  When I am not thanking God and honoring him, I indulge in futile, empty speculations.

How am I to honor or celebrate God?  By surrendering my cherished worries. Those patterns of preoccupying thoughts that lead to exhaustion.

Okay, Father, I get it.

Tonight, before I turn out the light, I will ask you to strengthen my resolve to hand over everyone and everything to you. Then by your supernatural power, I will trust you and expect you to help me fill my thoughts of your ‘able-ness’, willingness and goodness.

So, you think you know her?

April 7, 2022

Maria 1 Corinthians 13, Compassion, Humility, Judgment , , , , 2 Comments

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. 1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT

‘Ouch!’ her bracing remark pierced a wound I thought had healed.

I focused mostly on my hurt feelings that first day or two as I mulled over her words and what had prompted them.

Eventually, I saw them as part of a pattern in our past interactions.  From there, it was easy to conclude that her particular childhood environment and behaviors she had absorbed from family members had made her like this.  And so, I viewed my ‘analysis’ as conclusive.

Fast forward a couple of weeks.  God graciously brought new information from a different source. I learned about some of the pressures she’d been under. Compassion welled up in my heart.  How would I feel carrying around all ‘that’ on top of regular responsibilities?

Then just to make sure I didn’t let that perspective fade, God made sure to affirm it with Paul’s truth I read the other morning in his first letter to the Corinthians.

The fact is, I tend to judge people’s actions and assign them motives that I make up.  I know I’m probably wrong most of the time.

For example, a couple of months ago while shopping at Kroger I judged a man to be a thief.  His little child was eating a banana. I then saw him THROW AWAY the peel, right there in the produce section.  ‘Come on, Dad, that’s pure theft!  And what kind of example are you setting for your son?’

A few minutes later I rounded an aisle and saw a big Kroger sign offering free fruit to children as part as their corporate commitment to helping teach little ones good health habits. 

Humility and embarrassment set in.  So glad I didn’t open my mouth to that dad!

We NEVER know the complete story about someone.  Besides, who are we to judge their hearts?  Who are we even to assume we have the entire story?

As Oswald Chambers says – “Stop having a measuring stick for other people. There is always at least one more fact, which we know nothing about, in every person’s situation. The first thing God does is to give us a thorough spiritual cleaning. After that, there is no possibility of pride remaining in us.”

Three opportunities for empathy and humility

February 17, 2022

Maria Colossians 3, Humility, Patience , , 1 Comment

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience…..Colossians 3:12 ESV

Being an effective teacher requires exercising compassionate patience with one’s students. It’s easy to forget what it is like to be unskilled at something, to be a beginner.  What comes easily or naturally to us may not feel that way to our learners.

When I started teaching French to kids, I caught myself far too often using an irritated or impatient tone of voice. I’m afraid that my body language communicated: ‘I’ve already explained that numerous times.  You must not be paying attention!’

God did not leave me too long in that ‘superior-to-inferior’ posture, but creatively started teaching me empathy.

It happened like this.  One year, Mike asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  Wes and I had been batting a tennis ball over a neighborhood net during the spring.  So, I mentioned to Mike: “I’d love some tennis lessons for my birthday!” 

I anticipated that with three lessons, I would have developed basic tennis skills. Instead, these classes simply humbled me.

The tennis pro at our neighborhood club could not have been more gentle, thorough and patient. The problem was me. I could understand his instructions.  His words made sense in the abstract.  But my brain could NOT make sense of his verbal directions in a way to make my body move to match what he was describing.  I felt completely stupid, mentally deficient.

‘How hard can beginning tennis be?’ I thought. ‘And what is wrong with me, that I can’t connect body movements to his words?’

All of a sudden, I made the connection to my classroom.  ‘So, THIS is how some of my French students must feel.  It’s clear to me, but not to them. They feel stupid.’

That aha moment changed my teaching approach and I rapidly grew more compassionate.  But I still fell into being impatient with their slow progress. ‘If only they would pay more attention!’

Humility lesson # 2 arrived in June 2018. For the first time since studying Russian back in the ‘70s, I started learning a new language. What was different this time was that I was still teaching French to middle-schoolers.  All of a sudden, I FELT how slowly I needed a Spanish speaker to go.  I FELT how much repetition I needed before something in Spanish wired itself into my brain.  Nor could not control the process.  My brain directed my acquisition.  All I could do was try to understand the sense of spoken and written Spanish.

When school picked up again in August, I greeted my students with far more patience. I also eliminated some of my methods.  Now, I knew first hand that correcting their written or spoken French was no help. Someone has to be ready to receive any correction.  I waited until someone asked a question about a word or way to say something. I also started sharing with them my daily experiences learning Spanish.  They seemed to warm to my being a student just like them.

I applauded their progress more often with real warmth. I stopped forcing anyone to say something in French until they wanted to.  Madame Cochrane was much more human and humbler as a language learner herself. With Spanish, I felt the same frustration they did when they would mix up two French words that sounded similar.  This was a regular occurrence for me.

Often I lamented the previous 26 years of teaching French without myself learning a different language.  What a waste!

God be praised that today as I teach ESL to local Hispanics and French to two of my grandkids, I am a humbler and more empathetic teacher.

Since January 1, 2022, the Lord has now added an extra course in humility. Inspired by my daughter-in-law Anne who teaches 4–6-year-old children how to draw, I have set for myself the goal of drawing in a way that someone can identify the object! For years, teaching French and using a white board I just excused my poor stick figure illustrations, resorting to ‘Je ne suis pas artiste!’

But this past November, hearing how Anne teaches little ones to draw and seeing our youngest granddaughter’s work, I decided that maybe I could learn to draw.  So, I resolved to spend 15-20 minutes several times a week practicing. I figured that I would have to be at least better at the end of 2022 than when I started.

This new motor skill is once again feeding my empathy and patience muscles. I have not been quick to pick up this new way of moving my hand and seeing. Although we are more than half way through February, I am committed to sticking with my goal.

I know that for Anne, drawing comes easily.  She also is a natural encourager. When I’ve sent her a photo of something I’ve attempted and feel almost embarrassed, she applauds my efforts. Baby steps ARE progress.

Maybe our Father wants us to appreciate the many different gifts distributed among us.  Until I ventured out into something new, I took credit for my skills and thought that there was something wrong with others who weren’t like me. Until I tried those tennis lessons, something totally foreign to me, I had no sense of how difficult something might seem to someone not endowed with the same ability.

Do we expect everyone to think like us, to view situations the same way as we do or even do things in like manner?  Apparently so, for how often do we find other people frustrating!

In his wise providence, as John Piper has written, our God ’plans to permit’ all these circumstances with frustrating people. Why?  I think it’s to shape us into the men and women who not only bear with each other with loving patience, but also can praise Him for his perfect design and creativity shown in the variety of people.

Another lie bites the dust

September 9, 2021

Maria 2 Corinthians 2, Holy Spirit, Humility, Satan, Spiritual Warfare , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

We tear down arguments and every presumption set up against the knowledge of God; and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 Berean Study Bible

September in Alabama means withering heat. As I watered my ferns the other day, a disheartening thought flooded my mind: ‘Life is just one chore after another!’

‘That’s horrible, Lord! Say it ain’t so!’, I desperately prayed. Immediately, I countered with as many truths that I could muster.  For God has given me the ability to control my thoughts, to capture them and not sink under them. He has endowed humans with rational minds. I am not enchained to the suggestions that flit through my mind.

As I countered this enemy attack, I directed my gaze to the beauty of my plants, to the view I had from our second-story balcony and thanked God for his good gifts.  A new thought flowed from having turned my attention to the Eternal One.  I’ve read that as ‘I AM’, he inhabits each moment, so each of our moments is eternal, because they are stamped with the creator’s mark.

Already I started to feel cheerier.

Once again, I had been caught blindsided, by what I now know as a Satan-suggestion. I’m learning to be more alert for these very effective attacks.

As I’ve written in earlier posts, this season’s sanctification curriculum designed by the supreme guidance counselor, the Holy Spirit, is aimed at humbling me.  That might sound painful, but I’m finding it to be freeing.  Andrew Murray’s book, Humility and Absolute Surrender (assigned by the Spirit and sent to me by Regina) has convinced me of the spaciousness of accepting as gift the awareness that I have been designed to be needy, rather than to be enough.  I am learning to see each little humiliation, disappointment, delay as divine gifts. So far, I have been able to smile when I recognize them.  But, knowing the Holy Coach, he has more challenging training programmed.

The fern incident gave me a helpful insight in what it means to embrace humility.  Part of my obsessive quest to be enough as Maria (the opposite of acknowledging one’s emptiness) has included the capacity to get a lot done.  What’s ironic is that when Satan through watering my plants pointed to an endless stretch of tasks, he thought he could feed my productivity itch with his depressing message. Instead, it reminded me that I was not created to DO, but to BE.

God gave Adam and Eve all they needed in abundance. Furthermore, out of love, he daily sought them out, delighting in their happiness.  Sure, they were tasked with tending creation, but he didn’t fellowship with them to see if they had completed all their chores for the day.

Then Satan entered stage right and they swallowed the evil antagonist’s suggestion of self-sufficiency, thereby rejecting their father’s kindness. They were hood-winked into believing and preferring the idea that they could be enough. That they didn’t need God.  Would that they had humbly brought this plan to their creator for his take on it.

Instead, they fell for the lie, thus enslaving themselves and their descendants to the rule of Satan, the supreme head over the Kingdom of Do.

Out of his never-ending love for us, God has been steadily working his original good plan to free us from Satan.  I can imagine no greater gift than God’s liberation. Through regeneration, he gave me eyes to see the lie and a heart that desired to turn to him. At that moment, the Holy Spirit transferred me into the Kingdom of Be.

Happy humility and restful trust in THIS King are the twin principles of those who understand God’s plan. Yet, Satan doesn’t easily give up.  He keeps marketing the lure, the supposed reward of feeling ‘enough’ through doing more.

For too much of my life, I’ve been a sucker for that carrot. But, behind that fake, glittering prize lies ongoing enslavement and the Sisyphean burden of always doing and never gaining the relief I yearn for. 

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for alerting me yet again to the lie. Help me, by your power, continually to ‘hand over each thought to Jesus’ for him to evaluate it and tell me his truth.  

The lure of wanting to be ‘enough’ versus the freedom of humility

September 2, 2021

Maria Humility, Matthew 6, Pride, Psalm 22 , , 6 Comments

Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves Matthew 6:24 NIV

For decades, I have subconsciously felt that I am ‘not enough’ as I am and have compensated, without being aware of how much. 

Slowly over the months, God has been guiding me in a new sanctifying journey of coming face to face with what I now see as a sinful reaction to feeling like I am not enough. 

I believe I started to craft a ‘worthy’ persona in my sophomore year of high school.  Trying out and NOT being selected for a drill/dance team (one step down from the cheerleaders) together with a sense that I wasn’t popular changed my direction. I buried myself in academics. Not a bad thing in itself.  But it initiated a trajectory of increasing drivenness.

Something happened last fall to trigger this new phase of spiritual growth. Graham, my son, shared a podcast interview with guest Jamie Winship. When Jamie named that feeling of ‘not being enough’, God touched something in my core, that released tears.

Jamie went on to describe the freedom that comes from just journaling or talking out loud to Jesus about raw feelings and listening to what He says through Scripture. Since then, God has slowly been revealing the sin that drives one to craft a persona that is ‘worthy’ of the world’s attention.

Summer arrived and the process of leaving ‘enoughness’ to Jesus gained speed.  An overnight retreat and catch-up with my dear friend Regina brought painful but liberating insights.  As she listened to me, I suddenly could see how like Martha I have been and how much more like Mary I long to be.

Regina reminded me of Jesus’ humility and mentioned author Andrew Murray.  A few weeks later Regina gifted me with Murray’s book entitled, Humility and Absolute Surrender.

Then last week, at the end of August, Mike and I spent 5 days in mountains of North Georgia. We spent our mornings slowly, savoring the beauty as we read God’s word, thought, prayed and shared insights.

What I am learning from Andrew Murray’s book is this fact:

  • I am not enough and neither are you.  That is by God’s purposeful design for David writes in Psalm 22:9 (NIV) ….. you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.

So, my self-assessment at age 15 was accurate. The truth is, God did not design any of us to be enough, to be self-sufficient. He created us to be 100% dependent on Him, to be needy as a nursing baby.

I see now that although I accurately assessed my condition back in the ‘70s, I didn’t see that TWO paths lay before me.  I listened only to Satan’s solution, that of ‘making myself enough’. All along, another choice waited, that of owning my ‘not enoughness’ and embracing God’s plan for JESUS to be my sufficiency!

But, how would I have known?  I didn’t grow up in a Christian home.  I didn’t know anything about God other than a vague notion that He existed.

Murray presents the two paths, or you could say, the two kingdoms.  Satan encourages us to live in the Kingdom of Pride of Self (as I’m calling it) and Jesus invites us into his Kingdom of Humility.

As that opening verse from Matthew declares, the way into the Kingdom of Humility is to deny oneself.  For me, I define that as ‘stop feeding what make you think you are special.’   I don’t think I struggle with wanting to be self-sufficient. Ever since I became a Christian, I have prayed for what I need. But I now see that I take pride in so many aspects of Maria.  Every judgment I make about someone, practically without thinking, is a 180-degree statement of what makes Maria special.

Murray is providing me with new ideas, such as:

  • the glory of being just an empty vase chosen by God
  • how Jesus emptied himself
  • the freedom of being nothing
  • the spaciousness of letting everyone be better than me
  • the leisure of seeking only to learn humility from my Champion and serving my fellow man

I have much to learn and to put into practice.  But I feel hope-filled for the first time in a long time.  Thanks be to God!

The pattern of spiritual attacks

May 20, 2021

Maria Fear, Humility, Isaiah 54, James 4, Philippians 4, Prayer, Spiritual Warfare , , , 1 Comment

As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” So, humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:6-7 NLT

Almost 20 years passed before I recognized Satan’s spiritual attacks. Of course, I had heard of spiritual warfare and read Ephesians 6 multiple times, and I could see Satan’s hand in life’s suffering.  But a new awakening to spiritual reality took place half way through the most severe religious persecution I had ever experienced.

As soon as I arrived at Carolina Day School in Asheville, North Carolina, the harassment started.  Middle school parents believed stories their children, my French students, passed on, about how I was ‘proselytizing’, how I (an evangelical) crossed myself during class, as do Catholics.  I fervently sought other jobs, clamoring to get out of there, but God kept me at this school.  It was awful.

Cousin Terry gave me a promise to cling to:

No weapon formed against you shall prosper. Isaiah 54:17 NKJV

I asserted that fact over and over, many times in a day as I walked to the copy room or bathroom.

I understood external suffering from outside, but I had never been conscious of the dark world’s incursions into my thought life.  I had always assumed that I was she who gave birth to discouraging notions and feelings. They were products of my mind, or so I had always reasoned.

But half way through my tenure at this school, about six years ago, the Lord opened my eyes to a new facet of spiritual reality.  I was about to travel with other teachers to a conference.  Very demoralized about my French teaching and how students and parents reacted, I didn’t want to go.  Two nights before our departure, I experienced what I’ve heard termed, ‘the dark night of the soul’.

My despair over teaching spread to every part of my life.  Not only did I not think I could or should continue teaching, I saw myself as incapable of being Mike’s wife, of being a grandmother, of continuing to manage our week-to-week finances, even of preparing meals.  So convinced that these changes were true, I awoke feeling unable to carry on with my life. Not suicidal, but in total despair and without hope. Someone or something had flushed my normal enthusiasm down the drain

I don’t know the exact moment God draw back the curtain, but it was later that same day. Suddenly, I knew!  These weren’t my thoughts; they belonged to the devil!!!  Relief flooded my mind and heart.  As fresh energy for life flowed back in, I felt strengthened and enthusiastic once more.

I partook of the conference and even acquired some new ways of engaging students.  I returned to my classroom, feeling ready to carry on.  Praise be to God.

That event and what God taught me propelled me on to enjoying the best three (and final) years of my French classroom career.

Five and half years later, I still experience AND recognize occasional attacks.  But not always do I identify their source.  I still have fallen for the lie that they are MY thoughts and feelings.

The other night turned out differently.  After at least two hours of sleeplessness around what I affectionately call “pee o’clock”, I fell into a nightmare.  Just before the alarm sounded, I was praying in my dream, “Help me! I am under spiritual attack!”

Fifteen minutes later, although tired, I eagerly sat down with coffee, Bible and my journal at hand. As I had been feeding the cats and making the coffee, I quickly recognized what had occurred. With the dream still fresh, I replayed my fearful, desperate cry for rescue against this enemy.

As I started to write about this, God took me in a different direction, his application surprising me. I had spent part of my awake time, worrying about all the self-assigned tasks for the coming week and my desire to have more ‘Maria time’. What God brought to mind turned out to be a picture of my prevailing sin as a bed of smoldering coals.

I hoard time for Maria, and am aware of this top manifestation of my sinful selfishness. Suddenly, I pictured Satan blowing on these coals of ‘Not enough time for Maria’.  Small flames of discouragement had flamed into strong fire during my awake worry time.

What is interesting is that over the past couple of months, I have actually relaxed more about ‘time’, trusting God’s grace to be sufficient. More and more, I have let go of the need to get stuff done.

Thanks be to God, I saw my nightmare for what is is, a desperate dark ploy to keep me tied to Satan’s lie.

I immediately dumped cold water, dousing those roused embers. And Satan fled.

Then I wrote in my journal a version of Paul’s account of his take-away in God’s Holiness School.

Paul wrote:

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13 NIV

I composed this:

I have learned to be more content each day.  I know what it is to have little time and what it is to have plenty.  I am practicing the secret of being content in either case, whether I have ‘too much’ to do or the day looks wide open.  I can trust Jesus to provide just what I need for what he has pre-planned for me to do.

In other words, it’s okay to be weak, to be needy, to not have enough time.  As a needy little child, I can safely trust my Father to give me what I need. I’m not wise enough to know about the day ahead.  But he is!

Protection against Prosperity

May 25, 2020

Maria Affliction, Bible Reading, Gratitude, Humility, Joshua 1, Prayer, Problems, Prosperity, Psalm 126, Psalm 18, Rest, Thanksgiving, Thinking, Walking with God, Worries , , , 1 Comment

The Lord has done great things for us, whereof we are glad! Psalm 126:3

God has come through with an extraordinary mercy to us in answer to much fervent prayer – our own cries for help along with sustained prayers offered up by family and faithful friends. I’ll tell you more in a bit.

I’ve been reading in Scripture examples about the dangers that ‘good’ times can present. King David gives us many examples. His most notorious is his complacency (leading to the Bathsheba incident) after God’s divine help in driving away Israel’s enemies. Were it not for Biblical narratives of his downfall and his own writings in the psalms we would not be warned. Yet despite his astonished and grateful joy in God’s forgiveness, over time, David’s gladness waned. He grew distracted by comfort, helped along by an increasing lack of attentiveness to his Master, the LORD.

Merriam-Webster explains complacency this way: “self-satisfaction, especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies.” Com means ‘with’ and if you recall the verb ‘to placate’ (to please) the idea of being pleased with oneself is obvious.  But self-pleasure can be dangerous, especially if we grow über-SELF-confident.

But what does prosperity in the title of this post have to do with complacency?  We can see that it was God who had made King David prosperous. And in the beginning, David’s gratitude over his ‘prosperity’ or successes was real. But he didn’t nurture that spirit of thankfulness. As life grew easier after years of hardship, his attentiveness to God slackened. He let himself get preoccupied with the gifts.  Not only was David wealthy he enjoyed multiple blessings of regional peace, family, friends. For sure during those painful, difficult years he had followed Moses’ advice to Joshua about how to be ‘prosperous’:

This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Josh 1:8

But once God was gracious to him, David FORGOT the part about ‘meditate on God’s law day and night.’ A change came over the prosperous David. Enjoying God’s bounty, he let down his guard. 

I don’t want that to happen to us! 

As Mike and I have come to know our Bibles, we understand how to please our Father.  Ultimately it’s because He has changed our hearts that we WANT to obey Him. We also have grown to realize that afflictions are gifts from God that keep us clinging to Him.  They keep us needy and very close. Desperation keeps us ‘meditating on God’s Word night and day’.

Since June 2013, when we left Virginia and moved to the Asheville, NC area, we have been especially needy.   How so? through hardships right and left, one after the other. Like what, Maria?

  • a blatant closed-door, dead-end to Mike’s plan to work from home in NC as an operations research analyst
  • no open doors to other significant work for him during our time in NC
  • perplexing difficulties for me in a new school teaching French – each year in that school was laden with painful experiences. Nor could I couldn’t find another teaching position
  • Mike’s frightening heart crisis that lasted some weeks
  • his slide into depression during our 6 years in North Carolina, alienating some people
  • a surprising decision to leave mountains we loved for Mike to go back into full-time engineering work
  • then after God’s good gift of a job and sale of our house in NC, a recurrence of a physical stress symptom that had dogged Mike for 25+ years but had been absent during the previous 7-8 years. ‘Complacently’ we had assumed it would never come back.

The return of this latter affliction seemed to be the most painful of all the above. It colored Mike’s world and spilled over to me.  He could hardly avoid noticing it, because it affected his body, every day and all the time. I prayed fervently.  We both did. As did friends and family.

What else did we do?  We journaled, we tried functional medicine, Mike met with a Christian counselor.  Friends and family continued to pray and stay connected. Most of all we went deep into God’s Word. As we did, He began to change our thinking to align more with His Word. Whether you believe that He ‘allows’ or ‘sends’ suffering, in God’s hands He wills all things for our good.  We began to ask God to change our desires – that we would desire HIM more than an affliction-free life.

Then, about 4 months ago God seemed to be directing us to have Mike go back on a medication that had ‘stopped working’, one he had gone off of.  He visited his doctor, asking for a higher dose. We prayed on, willing to live with this suffering if it were God’s best for our holiness and ultimate joy.

It took a full 10 weeks for any relief to be evident.  His body started slowly to respond, in fits and starts.  Mike kept meeting with his Christian counselor.  We continued to pray, to journal, to study God’s Word. 

It is now almost the end of May 2020 and we rejoice. Mike DOES have relief. The symptoms have subsided. His body feels normal. He is visibly relaxed and cheery.  I can tell he is enjoying life in a new way. 

I check in with him each evening as we write down our God-directed thank-you’s in our prayer journal.  Then we pray for one another mentioning the next day’s needs. We don’t hesitate to ask Him for another day of relief for Mike.  Just as we ask Him to grant me a good night sleep. We take NEITHER gift for granted. We also know that God has the right to withhold both. They are not our due.

Hence my meditating on the ‘danger’ that comes with answered prayer, when the pressure lets up.  Not that God is dangerous, but that a cavalier attitude on my part can easily endanger my heart. I want to lay in place good habits of thinking. Yes, our Father IS good and He delights to give us rest and periods of joy-filled relaxation.  Mike and I are grateful for these broad or open spaces where ‘enemies have been driven back, bodies have healed, children have been born, and the harvest is plentiful.’ 

Psalm 18:9 He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me.

So how DO I guard against complacency?  I have landed on two ways: 

  • Gratitude and
  • Humility

Gratitude looks like this for me:

  • recognizing and chattering my thanks to my Father throughout the day for all the gifts I can see 
  • mentioning His kind provision of what I might not even think to ask for, like safety or how loving my friends are

Humility looks like this for me:

  • Recognizing that I am a contingent being, that I cannot do ANY thing on my own.
  • Acknowledging daily that God, the Creator and Sustainer, gives me life moment by moment. Unless He wills that I KEEP LIVING, I am but dust molecules
  • Talking out loud to Him about what I need Him to provide NEXT in order to do the task at hand

This, then, is how I am trying to ‘walk humbly with my Lord’.

Friends and family, we want YOU to know how glad we are for the great things He has done.  Thank you for your prayers and years of encouragement throughout these past years. This new broad and fertile time is refreshing us.  We are savoring it.  It feels sweet.  We don’t deserve it, and we are grateful.  May we continue to keep our eyes on Him!

 

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