Shameful thoughts

September 15, 2025

Maria 2 Corinthians 4, Conviction, Holiness, Holy Spirit, Sin , , , , , 1 Comment

We reject all shameful deeds. . . 2 Corinthians 4:2 NLT

Do you occasionally find the Lord bringing a matter to your attention all at once, but from different sources? It’s been a few weeks since that last happened to me, but this morning God seemed eager to get my attention. He did that by elevating the issue of my holiness, or lack thereof. 

Over the last few weeks, Mike has been sharing what he is reading for his book study group at church.  The men are going through JC Ryle’s Holiness.  Then yesterday, the Lord emphasized the matter of my holiness through our new Sunday school class called, Respectable Sins which is based on a Jerry Bridges book. Some of the behaviors our class facilitator mentioned are anything but respectable.  They include discontentment, anxiety, grumpiness, anger and a whole host of others.

Then this morning, reading Oswald Chambers, the Father personally pinged me through the verse above together with what this British pastor wrote in My Utmost for His Highest.

“Is there a thought in your heart about anyone that you would not like to be brought into the light?”

Golly, several came to mind. Just being around my church family the day before provided some opportunities for judgmental thoughts I would not want aired. Finally later this morning, leaving Walmart, I spotted a gal, obviously an Instacart provider, who was loading her car with six different containers. My first thought was: “Look at how obese she is!  She’s wearing pajama bottoms with an obvious roll of fat hanging over.” 

I’d want to disappear if she heard my impression and turned to stare with shock and hurt as I walked to my car.

But thanks be to God! Because I had been mulling over the need to rid myself of shameful thoughts, the Holy Spirit supplied a lovely truth as a substitute. “This gal is an image bearer of the living God. Look at how she is blessing people by doing their grocery shopping for them. They are going to be so grateful.”

I can see that ridding myself of shameful thoughts will require me to pay close attention. But I’m not worried. I can count on the Spirit to remind me each time now. I just pray that I start making the switch to THINKING something true, beautiful and good about each person I encounter. 

Fellowship with one another

March 23, 2025

Maria 1 John 1, Peace, Reconciliation, Sin , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 1 John 1:7 ESV

God really does communicate personally if I stay open to hearing Him, when my Bible is shut.  Two days ago I texted something to a family member. I thought I was communicating empathy.  She took it a different way. With clear words, she let me know that I had “rubbed her the wrong way”. That with a specific question, I had intruded in an area quite personal to her. 

She was both direct and gracious as she communicated a boundary. I immediately thanked her for promptly letting me know and apologized, promising not to bring it up again. 

Did this encounter hurt? Yes, but I’m thankful she trusts me enough to be honest. She values our friendship.

This morning, as I was reading Oswald Chambers, (23 March My Utmost for His Highest) I knew Jesus was speaking to me about this incident.  Oswald wrote to the effect that if God pinpoints something in us, highlighting a sin, He isn’t asking us to change. “He only asks you to accept the light of truth, and then He will make it right”. 

The wrong response to any criticism would be to try to justify or explain ‘it’ away.  As is with our God, so it is in our human relationships.  Had I made excuses to this dear one like, “Well, I was only trying to reach out to you….” that would not have brought the two of us back into fellowship, removing the distance. On the contrary, it could have enlarged the discomfort she felt and created a chill in our relationship. 

Agreeing with how I had hurt her was moving ‘into the light’. Just as He promised, Jesus washed away the sin and restored our fellowship. My response and her acceptance of it, removed potential compostable material for Satan to take advantage of.

Definitely worth it.

Help for a worry addict

November 8, 2024

Maria Meditation, Philippians 4, Prayer, Renewing, Sin, Thoughts, Trusting God , , , , , , 2 Comments

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8 ESV

I’ve resolved to attack this sin of worry any way I can!

That is not a new decision, but one that dates decades back to when I became a Christian in my early twenties. Sadly, as motivated as I can be, I have easily slipped back into that well-worn groove of pondering and stewing over current situations and feeling bad.  Yes, despite having ‘given them over’ to Jesus.

You see, I simply forget that I am cutting a new path through the wilderness, this jungle of my thought life.

To help me, I realized yesterday that I should PRAY early in the day, asking the Holy Spirit to help me remember my true desire.

This morning, he brought a device to mind, a resource that  might just be what I can use to not forget my resolve to kill this sin.   

In his letter to the Philippians, who apparently were believers prone to worry like me, Paul offered a path for our thoughts after we have handed over to Jesus what weighs us down. It’s a verse I memorized some years back.

I excitedly turned to Philippians 4:8 thinking that just maybe there were seven topics offered on which I could focus my thoughts in lieu of stewing.  That would be cool if there were seven, the number of ‘completion’, allowing me continuously to cycle through one a day.

But there are eight. 

I googled, ‘significance of the number eight in the Bible’. And voilà, up popped this gem of an article spelling out the wonder of eight.

It turns out that eight communicates ‘a new beginning, order or creation’.  How cool is that!  The author relates at least 10 different places in the Bible where 8 is meaningful.  Mentioning just one of the early ones, eight people on the arc were saved out of the flood.  You should read the rest of examples in Scripture.  As a teaser, David was Jesse’s eighth and last son.

Do you remember how Paul exhorts us to be changed completely by renovating our minds, by changing our thought patterns?   The Bible declares that we are new creations. But just as we are considered forensically or legally righteous in Jesus since believers are covered by his blood, we still have to grow into what we are in practice.

Today, waiting in my physical therapist’s office for my time slot, I shunned my phone, choosing instead to use today’s Word, “true” and meditate.  I started to think through all that I knew to be true. I had time for about 15 facts before Phil called me back. Such truths as:

  • I have a Father
  • He created me on purpose
  • I have worth in his sight
  • He is sovereign over every detail of my life
  • He IS handling my needs and my requests

Not only do I need a daily focus, if I’m to direct my thoughts away from what I have handed over to the Lord, I want also to use the daily meditation focus as a way to sift my thoughts.

Here is how I see this filtering tool. From early this morning, I was armed and ready to clobber any thought threatening to sink me with the help of my shield. Before I let a potentially enemy though get close to me I was ready with a probe: Is that thought TRUE? 

I pray I can get practiced at remembering and challenging myself as I protect my new path of God-honoring thoughts. If you think of me or run into me in person, please feel free to ask me what my pondering focus for the day is.  Or call me out on a comment I make that dishonors, condemns, or isn’t true, lovely, right or praiseworthy.   

I’m a slow learner in God’s school of Holiness

April 25, 2024

Maria Forgiveness, Genesis 3, Holiness, Philippians 1, Romans 7, Sin , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Romans 7:15 ESV

I don’t know when I started realizing that what I was learning in God’s ‘school of holiness training’ was not sticking. Naively, I assumed that once I ‘learned my lesson’ and practiced the new behavior, I could move on to something else.  At a certain age, maybe in my 40s, I began to see that Jesus was recycling past teaching points over and over. When I would mention this phenomenon to some older-in-the-faith Christians, they would flash a gentle, but knowing smile of agreement.

For example, I’d have victory over fear by God’s grace, only to fall back into imagining the future as though it were up to me and my limited resources.  How embarrassing that I could forget what had I had painfully learned not that long ago about the sin of fear.

Or, I would have been gently chastised by Jesus for boasting and talking too much about Maria, repented and relished one, maybe two victories.  Only to catch myself repeating the same self-centered behavior. 

The Holy Spirit reminded me this week of another sin pattern that I have yet kill. My sometimes-patronizing attitude with Mike.

To the woman he said, “……. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 NIV

It happened like this.  The other night, Mike started to share with me how discouraged he felt about his YouTube channel where he reads children’s classics out loud. He has a good voice for reading, is skilled at narrating, recording and editing audio books. This channel is his gift to anyone who loves to be read to. He does it without seeking compensation.

What was causing him to feel pessimistic and disheartened? The relative few views of some recent videos. 

Instead of listening quietly with love and compassion, I launched into ‘Parent Mode’, practically interrogating him on his motives for starting the channel. And how he should not only not look at his YouTube analytics, but should also go out into the community and find children or senior adults who would love to be read to.

Had he asked for my advice?

What motivated me to be so didactic instead of gentle and patient, intent only on understand his feelings?

It was Eve’s sin, that of wanting to rule over, to shape and mold her husband according to HER image of what he should be like.  I’ve done this numerous times. It is disrespectful and puts distance between us. 

I could tell that I had gone too far but I tried to cover for myself by saying, “I’m so glad we have reached the point in our marriage where we can speak the ‘truth in love’ to one another.  Afterall, I give you permission to speak into my life, too! “

You need to know that Mike NEVER treats me this way. If he thinks I am doing something wrong, he’ll tell me directly.  He won’t manipulate and hide his ulterior motives like I do.

I went on trying to soften my ‘lecture’ by adding, ‘Keep adding more content to your channel. This is a really good and worthy project.  It doesn’t matter if it only benefits a few people. It’s your gift to others, however many or few.”

Poor Mike didn’t know how to deal with the mixed messages I was sending.  

With no real resolution, we transitioned by watching a Netflix series we like while eating our supper. The evening passed without any more discussion on that topic.

That night, I couldn’t sleep.  God gave me severe leg cramps and some arthritic pain. When I sat down with him yesterday morning, he had my full attention.  It was only then that I saw my sin. And felt shame, remorse and pain for how I had hurt Mike.

What made it harder to swallow was that this is not the first time I have ‘scolded’ my husband.  This is neither loving nor honoring to him, nor to God the Father who created him nor to Jesus who died for him.

When Mike got up a while later, I immediately confessed my shameful display and asked him to forgive me.  He was so gentle and comforting to me.  I also asked him to pray for me to be the kind of wife God intends.

With each lesson repeat, I see how gracious and patient the Holy Spirit is with us.  Yes, we fail. Yes, we have to relearn lessons and practice new patterns of thinking and acting. The good news that brings me peace is this assurance, this promise:

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6 NLT

Cesspool heart or forgiven heart? Maybe, both

March 28, 2024

Maria Confession, Forgiveness, Prayer, Psalm 27, Romans 8, Sin, Zechariah 9 , , , 4 Comments

When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Psalm 27:2 ESV

In Spanish, those underlined words read when ‘flesh-eaters’ assail me.  After hurting Mike with my words, attitude and body language the night before, God used that translation to convict me of the severity of my sin. The setting for that memorable event revolved around an argument while en route in the car to a dinner.

Prior to leaving the house, Mike had hurt my feelings with his words and tone. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was wanting to pay him back, to make him feel bad, to make him know that he was WRONG, about the navigation. Did he know what had hurt me, did I bring it up?  No, instead I chose to make a big deal over a missed exit.

Back to that Bible passage and how Jesus got my attention. I was appalled at what the Lord revealed as the sin beneath the sin. I had to confess my anger and my cruelty, using my journal to tell the truth about all the ugly heart yuk that I could now see. The scary part was the pattern I noted. This was not the first time I had cut away at Mike or others.

Little hurts that I think I maturely or piously overlook under the rubric of ‘love covers all’ apparently don’t go away unless really dealt with. I have a tendency to store them up until they boil over.

What happened this week was preceded by a similar event just two weeks prior.  I recognize that this has been and is a season of stripping away, of dying to self, of seeing myself for who I am. God has led me to books, to podcasts, to scripture, to conversations, coordinating all to focus a message of ‘It’s time we up your growth toward holiness, Maria. Beginning NOW!’

Knowing and acknowledging oneself as one truly is hurts.  And despite the fact that Mike and I talked through the car incident and the earlier hurt and reconciled, I will probably wound and belittle him again.  I don’t have confidence in my resolve to be loving or always act kindly. Nor, to change a practice of hiding the fact that sometimes his words or tone hurt my feelings. I’ve tried just to absorb little stings. I recognize now how harmful to me and others that can be.

About this week’s incidence, Mike and the Lord have forgiven me. That I know. Yet, I’m still left with a garbage dump of putrid rotten past issues that I thought I had forgotten, but my heart hasn’t. Moreover, I still have decades of practiced patterns of thinking and relating. Something has to change. And only God can do that.  

My husband is not the only one whom I’ve wanted to hurt, to get back at. No, it’s how I handle anyone who has deprived me of what I want or think I deserve.    

So, what do you do, when confronted with your sin? Do you hide away and try to cover it? Or, like David, do you agree and confess that not only have you terribly hurt or killed someone, but you’ve sinned against God Almighty?  If you do, God is ready to forgive you and cleanse you.

What practically has the Lord revealed that might help me? One new thought practice that I’m trying to adopt is to shift my view about each person whose value I have tarnished. I am practicing remembering how God sees them.  The fact is, they are all 100 % loved and valued by our Father. Someone once wrote something to the effect of: internally call each Christian brother and sister you meet, ‘this person, perfect in Christ’.  For that is what we all will be one day when we see Jesus face to face.

The other thought process that is rescuing me from beating myself up includes Romans 8:28. My version goes like this:  All that I didn’t receive from someone, was ‘deprived of’ has been and is working for my good, as managed by my wise and loving Father.

The fact is whether someone did or did not mean to hurt me, God has ordained that I should not have what I believed I wanted.  He has his reasons. He is the one that gets to define what is good for me. Not ‘good’ but useful for many reasons, to include my growth in holiness, in humility, and dying to sin. As well as encouraging others struggling just like me.

I’m now seeing that up until this week, I’ve been living as a prisoner of unmet desires coupled with unresolved and unconfessed resentments and hurts. That way of living offers no way out, no happy ending. Satan loves to stir THAT pot with his malevolent suggestions.  Listening to him and our flesh, it’s easy to feed on the self-pity that comes from thinking about how circumstances could have been other, had you gotten what you wanted, whether the respect, the attention, the recognition or the freedom of choice.

This morning I met with an older sister in Christ. One whose empathy and compassion have grown out of her own hurts, disappointments and a life of pain. I felt safe confessing to her my uglies and asked for her advice and prayers.  That felt like the right thing to do. She gave me some practical ways to pray and think.

I have a new calling. I am now claiming and declaring that I am a contented prisoner of Hope.  Won’t you join me in this place with its pleasant boundaries? The future is bright and beautiful.

Return to your stronghold, O prisoners of hope; today I declare that I will restore to you double. Zechariah 9:12 (ESV)

Do you do right to be so angry?

August 18, 2023

Maria Forgiveness, Genesis 4, Guilt, Sin , , , , 2 Comments

And God said to Cain, ‘Why are you fuming and feeling jealous? And why aren’t you looking at me in the face? Are you trying to avoid me or something?’ Genesis 4:6 my translation

I went to bed annoyed, ruminating on four situations that were bothering me. I woke up with them still occupying my heart.  I knew I had to verbalize them out loud to God before I sat down with him outside.  So, as I fed the cats, scooped poop and made some coffee, I told Jesus all that I was feeling and asked for his forgiveness. I laid bare all the emotions I felt that in my mind supported my self-righteous conclusions. 

As I unloaded the accumulated garbage, I stopped to dig around what lay beneath my unkind judgments. I realized that each situation had ‘played’ me to respond: “This is not right, I should not have to ______” 

Maybe that is how Cain also felt. Could shame have prompted a sense of being snubbed by God, when the Almighty showed favor to his younger brother, preferring his offering?

Maybe Cain and I are similar in that we haven’t even realized what unexamined beliefs we carry. Unaware, could this elder son have formed opinions about how to interact or operate with this God of his parents? Or like I do occasionally, could he have thought that God was like him in his assessments? 

Fortunately for us to see as encouragement for when we sin, our God doesn’t leave Cain to stew alone in his frustration. He seeks him out and probes. 

At being questioned by God, I can imagine Cain emitting a stony ‘harrumph!’  Maybe Cain is thrown off to find out that God wants to look at him in his face.  Is this the first time God has actually spoken to him? Unaffected by Cain’s cold fury, our Lord continues in the next verse, 

Genesis 4:7:If you do what is right, won’t you be able to lift your head in honor and enjoy my smile? Quickly now, for an enemy who will make you do what is wrong waits to pounce.  He salivates in his desire to devour you.  But you must exercise the upper hand and rule over him. Resist him and call out to me for help. I can cast him into the dungeon where he belongs. (my translation) 

What relief I experienced this morning as I dumped my sewage out for God to handle. I asked his pardon. Quickly granted, he carted away all the yuk. Then I prayed for renewed right thinking. As I then feasted on God’s love via his Word, I felt clean again and right with God.  

Today’s experience confirms my need daily to weed the garden in my heart. Fortunately, I have something to remind me every day. This is a picture of what I call ‘My Eden Garden’.  The African violets and other plants thrive in the spa tub built into our bathroom. The opaque window provides just the right amount of indirect sunlight.

Thank you, Lord, for providing such a beautiful reminder to cultivate only true, beautiful and good thoughts that bring you honor. Thank you that you invite me to be transparent to you and receive healing. What a kind Father you are!

What do you consider your greatest sin?

March 30, 2023

Maria Holiness, Jeremiah 17, Matthew 5, Repentance, Saving Faith, Sin, Witnessing , , 2 Comments

I carry a heavy heart because a dear friend, Roberto, is not (yet) a believer.  Last week I had read something illuminating written by John Eldredge in his book Walking with God. He described three epiphanies in the life of a Christian. 

The first occurs when you recognize, “Oh, there IS a God.  He really does exist!  And Jesus was a real person who walked on earth and claimed to be God’s son.”  At this stage, you’re not a Christian. In one sense, you are like Satan who totally believes God is real. My friend Roberto has camped out here as long as he can remember. As an Argentinian he grew up in a catholic family, school and culture.

The change that transforms a person, that second epiphany, occurs when a person wakes up to the fact that ‘if God is real, then I have to deal with him. I have to acknowledge his presence in my life.  I can’t ignore him any longer.’

We who live this reality hope that the Holy Spirit imparts to these our friends, family members and/or the stranger on the street the power to SEE and BELIEVE the offer from the Father. We pray they now naturally repent and with relief submit to Jesus’ authority.  Plus, we want them to be amazed by the news of the accompanying supernatural benefits for now on earth 1.0 and the amazing forever future awaiting him or her as a newly welcomed Kingdom son or daughter.

I won’t mention the third epiphany or stage in the life of a Christian. But, if you’re curious, read Eldredge’s book!

God used this explanation about the progression toward saving faith together with recent tornado deaths in Mississippi last weekend to motivate me to record an audio message to Roberto explaining my respect for him and fondness as a friend and how I wanted him to know Jesus via a relationship. He’s never read the Bible for himself, let alone the gospel accounts.  His view of God and Jesus are cobbled together ‘bits and bobs’ as my English friend says.

I did explain the two phases. I affirmed that I recognizes he freely acknowledges the existence of God and Jesus. But that I wanted more for him. That there IS more to Christianity than he has heard.

He kindly responded and I could tell that what I shared was done in love.  Our friendship has grown over three years through our weekly on-line chats, both in my ESL conversation group I run for some Hispanics and one on one with him. 

But his sticking point is: “I can’t understand how a god would allow little children in Africa to suffer drought and hunger and perish.  I guess I’ll find that out after I die.”

I did follow up with Roberto but since then, I’ve been musing about how the real problem of suffering is an obstacle to many people.

This morning the Holy Spirit gave me an insight. I wrote in my journal: My sin is a far more pressing concern (or it SHOULD be) than the suffering I see around me.

That response doesn’t negate the reality of the horrors that occur all over the globe every second of the day.  But it does focus one’s attention on ‘first things’, our sin.

I thought a while about what people, even mature Christians, consider ‘sin’.  Most of us probably think of behaviors, those actions that in their mildest form are unbecoming to a believer and at the opposite end of the spectrum the traditional ‘egregious’ ones.

How did Jesus address sin?  He aimed straight for the heart, repeating the message of Old Testament prophets.

Jeremiah in 17:9 ESV declared:  The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

Matthew recalled Jesus’ words to the crowds in 5: 27-28 Berean Study Bible:  You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

I think Jesus would explain sin to Roberto and to us like this: 

Your thoughts and your will drive your actions.  For sure, your actions harm and damage and destroy other people. But unless you understand the deeper problem, just how your thoughts and feelings affront Holy God, you don’t know God.

The good news is that Jesus willingly came, lived, taught, and died to take care of this sin problem and to enable us to please our Father.

God is leading me slowly but surely to go deeper into the mystery of MY sin and God’s holiness. It’s been taking me a long time to start to feel even some horror and shame over my interior and invisible to the world sins. 

Oh, Father, may my friend Roberto grasp all this now and far more rapidly than I have.  It’s up to you to open his heart, like you did with Lydia.  I ask for this, Amen.

Delilah Sins

February 3, 2022

Maria Ephesians 4, Sin, Temptation , , 1 Comment

Don’t say anything that would hurt [another person]. Instead, speak only what is good so that you can give help wherever it is needed. That way, what you say will help those who hear you. Ephesians 4:29 God’s Word Translation

I’m home again from my trip out to Seattle where I spent 4 nights with my mother-in-law.  I decided to travel sooner than I had planned because she seemed to need some encouragement and company.  A few health setbacks had recently plagued her and she sounded sad and lonely on the phone.

Five days before arriving, I had hurt her during a Zoom call when I brought up a couple of subjects, asking her pointed questions meant to hurt her and make me look superior.   Cousin Terry, who knows my heart only too well, calls it ‘being imperial’. She suggested apologizing to my mother-in-law when I arrived.

Within 20 minutes of being welcomed into her apartment, I did just that. I told Mom how sorry I was for deliberately hurting her.  She apparently hadn’t noticed during that Zoom call, or so she said.  But I pressed the issue so she would know that what I had said was UNKIND and that the Holy Spirit had leaned on me hard in the days that followed.  I confessed how sorry I was for hurting her.  Then I asked her forgiveness.  She responsive hug brought me relief, that sense of being washed clean and separated from my sin.

During the 4 days with her, God gave me several occasions to notice and not to succumb to my decades-old tendency to bring up a topic with the intention of criticizing one of her viewpoints. The prime test came when together we viewed her church’s Sunday service, streamed on You Tube. I knew that several girlfriends (thank you Joyce, Jill, Frances, Cousin Terry and others) as well as Mike were praying for me to cultivate a heart of kindness to source my words.

What startled me was noticing the obvious places, where up until this week, I would have initiated a comment meant to put down something she said and/or to point to how ‘wise’ and knowledgeable I was about the topic. Instead, I kept my mouth shut. 

What I did do, for a change, was to look for something positive I could respond with when she made a comment.  For example, when she praised the young deacon who gave the homily during the service, I simply said: “Yes, he enunciated well (through the mask) and spoke with clarity about the topic.”

I realize now that Mom is not someone who asks me for my opinion or viewpoint.  She’s not curious that way.  I cringe thinking of the countless times I have offered my views, unbidden.

What cemented this lesson in choosing words meant only to bless and help others came from what I read in a book from Joyce, Watchfulness: Recovering a Lost Spiritual Discipline.

In the section I read only three days ago while still in Seattle, the author describes ‘Delilah Sins’.  These are those evil habits that we cherish, that we love to indulge in. It didn’t take me long to articulate my # 1 Delilah Sin, that of provocation.

I have been a ‘provocatrice’ for as long as I can remember. 

I am SO glad that the Lord has finally intervened before it’s too late.  NOW is the time for me to kill this practice. This temptation has for far too long promised a moment of delightful satisfaction….only to leave me UN-satisfied and feeling ‘sour’.

I praise God that for the first time, I actually feel a new desire growing, one where I keep my viewpoints to myself unless asked.  Now, I want to use my words simply to give help and hope.  Looking back over my life, I see clearly that the majority of my words have often been unnecessary and many times meant to make Maria look good, not Christ.  Thank you, Lord, for your gift of new mercies.

Mean-spirited Maria

January 27, 2022

Maria 1 Peter 3, Conviction, Holy Spirit, Sin 3 Comments

….what is inside the heart —the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4 CSB

Pop often accused me of ‘pulling wings off of flies’. I had a sense of what he meant.  This was his way of letting me know how unkind I had been, picking at and trying to provoke my mom.

When I searched on line to see if my dad had just made up this expression, I read with horror: “In typical usage, it describes a cruel person, such as a bully or someone who enjoys tormenting others…… for no other reason than to take pleasure in being mean to them/in watching the other person be hurt….emotionally, physically, or otherwise. (accessed 24 Jan 2022)

I did this very thing in my most recent zoom call to Mike’s mom. She loves her Episcopal church and during our conversation, she expressed great sadness in how attendance has dwindled during the pandemic.

I could have just commiserated with her.  Instead, I boasted in how many people have joined our church. I also slipped in some remarks to the effect that in order to become a member, you have to be able to point to when you gratefully accepted Christ’s righteousness for your own and what He has done for you since then, unlike her denomination. Totally unnecessary, and meant to make her feel bad.  She never knows how to respond to me when I bring this up.

At the end of the week, I’m flying out to Seattle to spend a few days with her.  She’s growing more fragile and isolated due to all the Covid restrictions in her retirement complex. I’m hoping to cheer her up some and cook some food she’ll enjoy.

Back to that zoom call, I continued with a mean spirit, asking, ‘Do you all still have to wear masks in Seattle?’ (I knew the answer).  Again, it was meant to be a dig, designed to highlight the difference between Washington state and where I live, here in Alabama where we have no Covid restrictions. 

Then I added something about how ineffectual and silly masks are. Unnecessary!

I felt terrible during the entire conversation.

I confessed my cruelty to the Lord and told Mike.  But the following morning, the Holy Spirit REALLY convicted me.  During the first half of the day, even at the gym, He continued to reveal more and more of my heart.

Let’s call a spade a spade.  What I did during my conversation was to ‘despise’ my mother-in-law.  It dawned on me while on the rowing machine, ‘there’s no middle ground’. Either I love someone or I despise them.

Calling my sin by its nature helped me, in a painful way. This morning, the ‘reveal’ continued. 

What do you think of when you read how we are to ‘flee from sin’?

I picture Joseph escaping the clutches of the promiscuous Mrs. Potiphar. But I never have applied this warning to Maria, until this morning.

That’s when I also came across the 1 Peter advice to wives of unbelieving husbands. Again, I had never thought of how I could apply to me, in a different context.

 I’m praying and have asked friends and Mike to pray for my heart during these next few days with Mike’s mom.  I want to be that quiet (‘unprovoked and unprovoking’ per the Greek) and gentle (‘self-controlled’) gal whom the Father is pleased to call his daughter.

 

I killed the ‘red lizard of sin’!

January 13, 2022

Maria Idols, Matthew 5, Sin , , Leave a comment

If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. Matthew 5:30 ESV

Until last week, that talkative ‘red lizard of Sin’ continually plagued me.

Did you ever read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis? It’s a short book and very compelling. In one scene, an angel confronts a man who has died, described by Lewis as a ‘ghost’, someone who had rejected God and heaven. On this ghost of a man’s shoulders chatters a lizard, unceasingly arguing for the mildness of sin that he, the reptile, represents. 

This angel advises the confused ghost-man to kill the red lizard who whispers all the more persuasively to the contrary.  The lizard argues that the man most assuredly can manage him, that’s he quite tame, that what he suggests the man indulge in is not that bad.  

The angel doesn’t argue with the ghost-man or with the tempter. He simply offers to kill the Red Lizard himself.

The ghost-man cringes out of fear, anticipating pain and the loss of his pet sin.  But he yields to the angel who slays the reptile, thus liberating him.  I won’t spoil what happens next.  Read the book!

Like the vacillating ghost-man I have felt the forceful propaganda of a similar red lizard.  The Spirit himself finally convinced me that I had to sever something I had created because it was causing me to sin.

What was that sin?  An out-of-balance preoccupation with something material that often shoved Jesus out of his primary place in my thought life and heart.

I wrote last week about the project I started in 2018 to build a business helping language learners with English.  Nothing sinful in and of itself.  But starting and building an online presence tapped into pockets of ambition and pride deep inside of me that became disordered. 

Last week when I posted my blog, I had resolved to wait on God to see what he wanted me to do.  Within 24 hours of hitting ‘publish’ I knew what I had to do, what HE wanted me to do.  Since I was continuing to obsess, I had to take drastic action.  I truly wanted to be FREE, to tolerate NO interior drive that competed with Jesus.

So, I killed it.  I severed it, this on-line presence.  I knew that I did not have the power to tame it or change my thoughts and feelings.  Just as we clean up our phones to make more space, I had to eliminate the largest ‘file’.   

I called up Go Daddy, the tech company hosting my website, and told them to cancel it.  The tech support guy reassured me that it would remain active until the subscription period ran out in 5 months. 

“No, I want you to kill it now.  It’s a trigger for me.”  I’m sure he didn’t understand.  But he proceeded to read me the statement declaring that if he shut down my website, I would lose everything I had created. I replied, “I understand and accept that.  Please just do it.”

Just like that, three and half years of content disappeared. I purposely chose not to back up anything. Then I contacted Mail Chimp and did the same thing.  With this service, I had been writing and sending out helpful teaching tips, follow-up extension activities and how I had used each video in my on-line English class.  Now that was gone, too.

What did I feel?  Nothing. Just a sense of blahness.

But by the next morning, by grace, while lingering over scripture and dialoguing with Jesus in my journal, I started to feel light, free and cheery.  I knew I had done what was right for me.

It’s taken me two years to reach this point. I’ve wavered and talked to Mike and family members ad nauseum about feeling a love-hate relationship with English without Fear.  Making weekly content has felt burdensome. Yet at the same time I have taken pride in what I offered weekly to the language learning space. The burden grew as I felt or imagined that my subscribers ‘expected’ new videos on a regular basis. The continual wrangling with my thoughts and feelings weighed me down.

Am I sorry I started English without Fear?  Nope. I learned a lot about video production. I made contact with English language learners around the world who have enriched my life.  My faith deepened and I grew in my understanding of what sin is.  I don’t want anything to compete with Jesus and the first place he occupies in my life.

As Graham, my son, reassured me.  I can always start something similar again, if that is God’s will for my me.  He doesn’t waste any experience, but repackages it for his purposes.

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