Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
Psalm 139:23–24, NLT
Have you ever deceived yourself into believing that your motives were good?
I certainly have, probably many times, but one significant occasion stands out. The Lord nabbed me a couple of weeks ago when I noticed that a friend of mine was doing just that. It took several days for me to realize that the Lord was pulling back the curtain on something I had long forgotten—some blatant self-deception covered over with a patina of godliness.
Some 31 years ago, I started buying clothes from a consultant who marketed a line of mix-and-match pieces. I loved them all. When offered the opportunity to join her in a multilevel marketing business, I jumped at it.
It was not a wise decision. I was teaching full time, and our boys were seven and twelve. Because I really wanted those clothes, I did the “Christian thing” and prayed about the opportunity. Yet I didn’t wait to see what the Lord had to say.
Instead, to strengthen my case, I bargained with God. I reasoned, “What if I tithe all my profits? Wouldn’t that make it okay?”
Then I simply announced my decision to Mike, presenting this business venture with an appearance of godliness that I was sure would please the Lord. I don’t recall my husband’s response. I probably didn’t give him space to question the decision or my motives.
Fast-forward about five years. This endeavor had unveiled a competitive streak I didn’t know I had. I poured all my extra energy into it, working one evening a week and a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.
God wasn’t pleased. About a year before I stepped away, He began tugging at my heart. I recognized His warnings, urging me to let it go. Unwilling, I pressed on until a crisis erupted in our marriage. I had neglected my husband, our relationship, and his needs.
In my Father’s kindness, He healed the breach between Mike and me and brought restoration. Since then, I have grown more sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I WANT correction. I need to know what offends the Holy One so I can confess it and be cleansed.
Now, I’m praying for my friend, that he would desire for God to examine his heart and reveal if there is anything displeasing.
You know what? I hate to admit this, but I can’t even remember if I “kept my bargain” and tithed the earnings.
How is that for insincerity and self-deception!
My heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick: I can’t understand it.
Jeremiah 17:9, adapted from the ESV
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