July 6, 2021

Maria Condemnation, Conviction, Holy Spirit, Romans 8 Church family, Introversion, One-anothering, shoulds and oughts Leave a comment [Edit]

The mind of the flesh is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:6 (Berean Study Bible)

I’ve been wrestling with how to distinguish between condemnation from Satan and conviction by the Holy Spirit.  I find myself often thinking, ‘I SHOULD be doing more with people, especially those at church’.  Why am I bothered?  Because when I think about all those people I ‘should’ connect with, I feel depressed.  I just don’t know how to THINK about all these ‘shoulds’. And they continue to hammer me.

I’m an introvert and I’m aging, and I no longer want to gather with people as frequently as I did as when our boys were little. 

Our life is so different from when I was a busy mom, teaching French, serving with Bible Study Fellowship, and teaching adult Sunday School. On top of those commitments, we still enjoyed getting together with church family for mid-week potlucks, weekend retreats, picnics, and even a weekly small group.

Other engagements also dotted our calendars. Mike sang with a professional choral group whose performances I would attend. We occasionally took in other concerts as a family.  Finally, during many years of my dad’s later years, we would spend Sunday evenings enjoying dinner at his place.

But these days, I prefer quiet evenings at home, just with Mike. When he asks “Do we have anything going on this weekend?” and I answer with a cheery NO, I share his delight.

So, why am I telling you all this?  Because I feel ‘wrong’, condemned. Thoughts like: ‘you’re supposed to be ‘one-anothering’ those in your church family’. Multiple ‘shoulds’ assail me. Almost daily.

In my defense, I do connect throughout the week with lots of people, mostly through emails and zoom calls. I also volunteer in two different places.  This fixed amount of extroverting does stimulate me. But my calling, what I DELIGHT in doing, is writing and speaking other languages. They, I absolutely look forward to.

So, how have I handled these voices that steadily announce what I ‘should’ be doing, and how selfish I am?

I’ve been praying, reading scripture, journaling, talking with Mike and my friend Joyce and then writing some more, as I wade toward clarity.

Joyce offered this thought, ‘We should distinguish between what we want to do in our day that pleases us and the activities that have eternal value.’

Do dinner prep and sharing with Mike have eternal value?  Do keeping the house clean and kitchen stocked have eternal value? Do reading and thinking have eternal value?  Do they justify pulling in a bit more?

God has been letting me churn, prayerfully ‘stew’.  But not alone. That other helper, the Spirit of Truth, has been guiding me, too. Mostly through scripture.  For example, this statement of fact penned by Paul brought me relief a few days ago:

There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 (NLT)

Satan condemns and the Spirit convicts.

Despite feeling reassured for that particular day, Yet, once again, I fell back into uncertainty when the calendar turned over. 

Then Tuesday morning, I saw something else in Romans 8.  That verse about having the mindset of the Spirit. 

I looked up the Greek in my phone app Blue Letter Bible.  Seeing the grammatical form of ‘of’ excited me.  It’s genitive and it expresses possession!

I scribbled a re-write: …the mind belonging (of) to the Spirit!

I continued, connecting it with the rest of the verse:

Romans 8:6b….the mind belonging to the Spirit is life-giving and peace-filled.

I jotted down two synonyms for life offered by the Blue Letter Bible: vigor, energy, both with a sense of abundance. 

My interpretative conclusion THIS day is:

Since I belong to the Spirit (and soak in God’s word daily), He guides me, he leads me toward what gives life, bringing energy and what keeps me filled with Jesus’ peace.  When I notice an idea that is anti-life, i.e., draining or something that steals my peace and starts me angsting, that is the tip-off to ‘taking THAT thought captive to Christ’ and rejecting it.

Of course, I intend to keep praying and seeking direction in God’s word, as well as asking for wisdom from select mature Christian friends. As I keep Mike in the loop in this process, I am trusting the Lord to corral me if I tend to go off track.

Oh, Father, keep me teachable and don’t withhold your wisdom from me!