Are you exhausted?

June 13, 2024

Maria Come to me, Matthew 11, Rest , , , , , , 3 Comments

“Come to me, all you who”….drive themselves unmercifully. (Matthew 11:28 personalized)

I used to teach school in Asheville, North Carolina.  Once I accompanied the 6th grade class on a walking history tour of the downtown. I learned that in the early 1800s when fewer than 500 folks lived in the area, pig farmers would ‘drive’ their hogs through the center of the village on their way further south. There wealthy plantation owners eagerly bought their livestock to feed their slave labor.  Those who walked their pigs to market were called ‘drovers’ because they would drive or push the reluctant animals forward.

I am both the driven creature and the drover.  And I have been pushing myself forward for too long 

I’m not sure of the genesis of this unhealthy way of life.  Most likely it was a compensatory tool to make myself feel okay as a teenager. Moving to a particular new school a month into my junior year unsettled me.  I didn’t fit in and had just one friend. To avoid the awkwardness of the school cafeteria, I started isolating myself in the library so I wouldn’t have to confront the realities of being an outsider. Hiding my food, I would read something ‘edifying’. (Can you say ‘scofflaw’?)

Over time I developed an identity that made me feel better than others. Somehow, I transformed the gift of learning into a dependency. I had to make ‘every moment count’.  I read classics and listened to podcasts, trying to fill up the emptiness.

And I have carried this tendency into retirement. For a full five years, I have known this about myself and have grown exhausted.

All along Jesus keeps beckoning ‘Come!’ Especially in the early mornings.

Sitting out back watching the birds gather at the feeder, drinking in the beauty of the trees, the green, the cool, the quiet, I most strongly feel the Lord’s invitation to let go, to trust him. Yet, I drag my feet. Having a to do list feels good.

The other night, Jesus messed with my sleep which always gets my attention.  I got up at the usual time, but 20 minutes later, had to head up to the guest room and lie down for almost an hour. I knew I wouldn’t make it to my exercise class, let alone face the rest of my schedule.  Getting up a second time, I took some time to meet with the Lord and get a quick beauty fix.

Come to me, Maria, you who are so weary.  Give it up.  You don’t need to drive yourself any more. Eliminate some things.  It’s okay.  So, I did. I made a baby step, canceled two language lessons and felt the walls open up to give me more space.  I talked all this over with Mike.  He communicated with me through his expressive face, as he listened silently as words tumbled out with tears. Then he hugged me and told me I was moving in the right direction.

This morning I felt more relaxed. Today is less packed. 

Whatever I’ve been trying to prove, I don’t need to any more.

I know that I will probably fall back into old patterns, but this time I feel resolve and hope. 

Jesus really does mean what he says.  He will never take back his offer of rest. But rest on HIS terms.  Without condemnation.

Remember, friend, we have a deadly enemy who would rather have us über-busy.  He is against anything beautiful, anything that promotes rest, anything that causes us to simply abide with Jesus. Can we not just sit a spell and enjoy his creation. 

What must we DO to be saved from ourselves, our sin, our traps, our hurts? Believe Jesus and simply come to him.

This old hymn says it best:

1 Just as I am, without one plea,
but that thy blood was shed for me,
and that thou bidd’st me come to thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

2 Just as I am, and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot,
to thee, whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

3 Just as I am, though tossed about
with many a conflict, many a doubt,
fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

4 Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Psalter Hymnal, (Gray)

We CAN change!

May 16, 2024

Maria 2 Corinthians 5, Genesis 22, Identity, Renewing, Trusting God , , , , , , 1 Comment

i….f anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

How have you changed since you became a Christian? I bet you can tick off a number of areas in your life that are different. I can as well, but some aspects of Maria have not been renovated.  I still carry around views of myself that turn out, it seems, to be quite limiting.

For example, I’ve often said, “I’m not good at art.” This seemed to be a reasonable truth. For some people clearly gravitate toward drawing or crafting or painting out of love. Here’s another example: Mike is very musical.  I’m not.  I tried piano lessons for 10 years and because I didn’t enjoy practicing, I didn’t grow much in skill nor in enjoyment.

These conclusions form what are called identity statements, as in: I’m not the kind of person who does X.

Recently, while listening to a podcast, I started to see for the first time just how many of these negative, limiting identities I have absorbed and frequently use.  The guest, Mike Zeller, being interviewed shared a captivating concept of alter egos. 

During the podcast, I found out that he had personally coached the host in identifying his own limiting beliefs about himself. During the conversation, listeners learned how Zeller had guided him in creating a persona that he could ‘wear’ and act like, an alter ego. Each alter ego was given a name. Zeller encourages his clients to name the old persona something silly, something mock-worthy. (think ‘Debbie Downer’ or ‘Eeyore’)

For some reason, this way of stepping away from a negative identity into a new one seemed do-able to me. Especially when I realized that a lot of my self-talk was in fact damaging me, a revelation that had never before struck me as negative. For these beliefs had seemed simply to be true.

For example, I love languages and speak various ones with different degrees of proficiency.  Yet, whenever anyone remarks, ‘Maria, you’re good at languages, they come easily to you!’, I deny that and reply, ‘Not really, I just work super hard because I really want to be fluent in all of them.’

And that’s the truth about how I have thought about myself. I had never seen that in reality, that assessment is both negative and limiting. I was stunned! 

I bet you have run similar crippling scripts through your mind without realizing it. Here is what is hopeful.  You don’t have to retrain your subconscious; you just have to catch yourself in the middle of asserting one of those ‘lines’ and step out of it into a new alter ego.

Here is what I have done. I have identified an alter ego, to whom I have given the name, “Fluent Frankie” (I had an Aunt Frances whom I don’t remember whose nickname was Frankie).

This new gal, ‘Fluent Frankie’, is programmed to respond to someone complimenting her on multiple languages: ‘Thank you! I really like languages and I have found that they are pretty easy to acquire if you’re willing to put in the time.’

I’ll give you another example.  Maria’s depressing view on picking out gifts for family has always been: ‘I’m not a creative gift giver like my husband, my son Graham or my late mother-in-law’.  That self-constructed identity has always made me dread birthdays and Christmas.  Selecting appropriate gifts that delight the person has felt like a burden.

But…..as a new creation in God, with multiple alter egos, I have created, ‘Good-gift-giver Gabbie’ (I’m picking out first names of people I have never personally known). For this new character I can choose to play thinking about and selecting gifts is FUN.

There are about 11 other invented alter egos I have created and can select from when I catch myself running a negative, depressing and limiting script. They are: Patient Paula, Leisurely Leslie, Trusting Tina, Flexible Fiora, Solid Sleeper Sammie, Fun-loving Mimi, Cheerfully-Confident Carol, Silent Susie, Worry-free Wanda, Grateful Gretchen and Stewarding Serena.

The 11 personas that involve my walk as a child of God are glimpses of how I want to grow. I desire to trust more the Father’s unchanging love for me and be more willing to obey Jesus about not fearing or worrying. Handing over all that concerns me because he knows me intimately and IS constantly praying for and providing for me.

Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means “the LORD will provide”). Genesis 22:14 NLT

How do you name or call your suffering ?

August 26, 2023

Maria Healing, Isaiah 46, Isaiah 54, suffering, Words , , , , , 2 Comments

I (God) declare the end from the beginning, and ancient times from what is still to come. I say, ‘My purpose will stand, and all My good pleasure I will accomplish.’ Isaiah 46:10 Berean Study Bible

I’ve been reading a book about one’s identity, recommended by Graham, And David Perceived He was King. Dale Mast, the author, reminds his readers that whoever creates has the authority to give his ‘artwork’ a name. But in the Garden, the ultimate Creator, God, delegated that responsibility to Adam. Whichever name our primogenitor chose, so it was. Deciding what each would be called was just the first step in Adam’s given work. God’s mandate to be fruitful, rule and govern this earth illustrates our Father’s intention to transfer some of his power and authority to care for his world.

In one section of the book, Mast circles back to Adam’s first task with the animals by asking his readers: What are you going to name your future? He writes,

‘There are many things and situations that God will bring in front of us, waiting to see what we will name it – and what we name it, it shall be!’

I’m not a ‘name it and claim it’ believer.  Yet, undeniably there is power in what we declare.  Through this book, God has been rearranging how I think about one of his purposes in my life.  I’ve mentioned the pain experience God has ‘gifted’ me with in the past six months.  As a data gal, I have kept track of each day’s ups and downs and treatments.  And when people have asked me how I am, I’ve briefly described the seeming ‘ongoingness’ of the pain.

But several days ago, I stopped.  I said out loud: I’m done with this.  I’m NOT going to record each day in my journal. And when people ask me how I’m feeling, I’ll simply say, ‘I’m getting better, thanks for asking.’

Privately, but with my voice so Maria can hear, I DO give thanks to Jesus for healing me.  I sense that I am to declare this truth before I see and feel the evidence of its reality. Afterall, that is what a promise taken on faith is. The Centurion believed Jesus. The prophet’s widow obeyed Elisha. Peter trusted the Savior and stepped out on the waves as though they were solid and immobile. The list goes on.

This lesson in believing and declaring what God says is something I have to learn before the next adventure he has programmed. It’s possible that Satan has wanted to disable me, in order to discourage me. Other physical afflictions over the past 12 months have been bizarre.  But as the Lord says:  No weapon that is formed against you will succeed….. Isaiah 54:17 NASB

Yes, there has been pain, but the rich teaching from God has more than compensated. I have chosen to receive all as gift. Some of his bestowing has stung me emotionally. Once he pointed out, to my shock, the ongoing stream of negative silent judgments I habitually make about people and even about God, himself. I am learning immediately to repent.

Repentance is a good thing. Wasn’t it Martin Luther who said, ‘all of life is repentance.’?

My ‘suffering’ has been minor compared to many.  But suffering is suffering. And we are not to compare our God-ordained path with others so as to minimize ours. 

A friend at church recently shared about the 3 most difficult years of her marriage. Thanks to the providential initiative of a distant cousin with whom she hardly ever communicated; this lonely wife received boatloads of God-centered encouragement.  She felt the Lord’s presence in ways she hasn’t since, ‘almost to the point where I would go through those years again, just to know God’s presence’ she mentioned.

God still calls us to ‘name’ our experiences.  What we say out loud can change us.  So, I am choosing to declare that God HAS healed me. I’m certain that in the coming weeks and months, I will find out all the nuances of this healing.

Adding to my spiritual toolkit

November 24, 2022

Maria Anxiety, Calling, Fear, Habakkuk 3, Identity , , Leave a comment

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will_______…… Habakkuk 3:17,18 ESV

Anne and I have been talking about one’s particular, received identity that Jesus gives if we ask him.  If we listen to Jesus, open to what he communicates over time, he will guide us to know that specific distinctiveness we bring to every part of our lives.  As in: ‘Maria, child of God by grace, called to BE a _____.’

Out of that identity, flows purpose.  Since God intentionally created each one of us as one-of-a-kind family members and gave us life in a specific time and place, it is not unreasonable that he calls us to BE a certain person. Jamie Winship and others teach Christians how to hear and receive one’s particular identity and calling.

Something Anne wrote in a text this week has gotten me thinking.  Not looking forward to traveling during Thanksgiving week with a baby and 3 children, she found a way to deal with her anxiety. 

What works for her is to describe the scenario that has her anxious. Then, as she looks that square in the face, she reminds herself that her identity as ‘nurturer’ is something she can continue to ‘work’, no matter what.

That is not to say that she nurtures out of her own strength and wisdom.  She depends on the Lord for his supernatural, ongoing presence to be with her as she brings life to whomever she is with. Whether in the ‘best of times’ or the ‘worst of times’.

I like this approach.  It provides space to be real with God and then to acknowledge that our ‘work’ does not change, no matter the circumstances.  Anne can always nurture someone, even when she herself is undergoing trials.

Ever since I read the Winship book and listened to his trainings, I have been thinking and praying through what I believe is my Jesus-given identity.  Tentatively, I believe I am ‘gently provoking beacon’.

I’ve been a ‘provocatrice’ since my teen years.  Pop used to say, “Maria, you’ve got to stop pulling wings off of flies!’  He meant that I needlessly (and with a mean spirit) stirred the pot, saying things to people to provoke a reaction.

That’s the destructive side of this identity.  But over many years, Jesus has slowly gentled me.  Provoking someone to make them squirm is far different than using a question to stimulate an interest in God.

When I researched the etymology of ‘to provoke’, I found that the Latin root means ‘to call forth or stimulate the appetite for….’

That is something I DO practice. A lot. But gently, and often with a thought-provoking question. My desire is always to shed light on some aspect of God, that might be new to the person.

What encourages me is that the actions that follow from my identity are not constrained by circumstances.

At first, I wasn’t sure if ‘worst-case-futurizing’ might be healthy, but now I see the wisdom in Anne’s approach. She doesn’t dwell on that picture. She simply faces it, I think, and concludes, ‘Well, if that’s the worst, I can still be who God has called me to be.’

Applying this approach personally, I foresee that identity-prompting actions will also shift my attention away from possible circumstances and back to the present and to the person in front of or next to me.

Father, fortify me with your grace to do as Anne, recalling that mindful of my identity, who I am and what you call me to do are gifts.

What do I do with my shame?

March 31, 2022

Maria 2 Corinthians 7, Shame , , , , , , 1 Comment

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret…..2 Corinthians 7:10 NIV

The Will Smith spectacle at this year’s Oscars ceremony resonated with me, especially when Mike shared a thoughtful commentary reflecting on the event. The writer described the damage Smith did to his carefully crafted image of an easy-going black man who is thoughtful and kind. I imagine he feels or will experience shame at some point. How he deals with it is what matters.

Providentially, I have been working my way through a book about shame. The timing couldn’t be more perfect because of an upsetting exchange I had with a good friend two weeks after starting the book.

The authors offer a view completely new to me. They write those feelings of shame can actually shine a light on the sin of idolatry underneath our reaction. Surprise made me reread this chapter.

The two authors point out that a more godly reaction than shame when realizing that our actions or words that might have cast us in a poor light would be sorrow coupled with a crying out to God for help. They explain that shame often has to do with one’s identity, the one we all craft or believe defines us.

Let’s say I blurt out something I’m thinking that hurts another person.  My immediate horrified shame stems from my belief that I’m a gal who comports herself kindly with people.  That’s the idol that I work to maintain, either consciously or subconsciously.  The feelings of shame occur when I realize that I did not live up to my own opinion of myself.

The authors write, “Idolatry is sneaky worship. It is worship of the self, but it doesn’t look that way at first.  It appears more like a poor self-image.  It looks like insecurity that necessitates always looking good, or never making mistakes, or determination to be successful. …” (p. 182, The Cry of the Soul)

A natural tendency might be to go numb, to refuse to deal with this painful feeling.  But instead of numbing oneself in shame, God wants us to feel sorrow over the hurt as well as sorrow for this sin.

Reading this book has given me a way to ‘see’ underneath my shame. I now realize that I have cultivated an interaction style with this friend of ‘staying on her good side’, of acting in ways that she will think well of me. I’ve wanted her to see me as a person who is caring and other focused.

I actually feel liberated, having been forced to acknowledge the true motivation of my actions. I don’t have to carry this burden of crafting an image.  Now I want simply to please God and trust him to draw us close.  And I’m praying that one day we both can dare be honest with each other. Then we can start to build our friendship based on authentic and clean hearts.

Grappling with my identity and some bothersome feelings

January 10, 2021

Maria Belief, Freedom, Hearing God, Identity, Lamentations 2, Matthew 2 , , , 1 Comment

Grappling with my identity and some bothersome feelings

How freeing it is to know that Jesus’ door is always open. He has unlimited time to listen to me.  Theologian A.W. Tozer once wrote something to the effect that: ‘What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us’.

So, if we wrongly believe that we have to edit our communication with Jesus or even keep back sharing of shameful feelings, we damage His reputation and deprive ourselves of much needed correction and comfort.

Here are two meditations from this week’s writing and thinking project.

But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are by no means least among the rulers of Judah; for out of you will come a ruler who will shepherd my people Israel. Matthew 2:6 NIV

‘But I’m only a _____!’  Have you ever said that to yourself?

Consider those shepherds described by Luke, busy doing their shepherd-thing the night Mary was birthing our ‘Shepherd-Ruler’.

This morning in my reading, I noticed that Jesus’ rule is likened foremost to a protector and caretaker of sheep. In Jesus’ day, people despised and minimized this lowly profession. But God, the ‘re-orderer’ of status, calls shepherds fundamental.

Maybe angels first appeared to these rough-hewn men to correct THEIR identity. I can imagine God’s message: You shepherds serve in the same profession as the Messiah, the Divine Shepherd, who will govern my people. Don’t listen to what the world says about you.  Continue to be good shepherds, for this is a noble calling, worthy of honor.

Whose voice are you listening to when you repeat: ‘I’m just a ____’?

**

Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Lamentations 2:19 NIV

Buying Christmas gifts for adult kids is challenging.  I thought I had found something creative and different when I read about a local Alabama man who crafts custom bowties.  Neither of my sons has a bowtie. Why not choose a fun accessory, to be worn on a special occasion?  I picked a themed pattern, and through in some novel socks.

Elder son didn’t mention our gift.  When I asked him, he said: “Not something I will ever use; I haven’t even worn a regular tie in nine years, but thanks anyway.” I felt hurt.

Michael comfortingly empathized with me.  Resolving just to let the hurt go, I mentioned to Jesus what I felt and invited His input.  Unsurprisingly, He agreed I should forgive. What He then brought up gave me pause.  ‘What about all the times you have ignored my gifts, failing to thank Me? How do you think I have felt?’

It helps to release and receive from Jesus!

A fresh year to adventure with Jesus

January 3, 2021

Maria Calling, Identity, Revelation 17, Revelation 4, Spiritual Warfare , , , , Leave a comment

Welcome 2021! Another clean and fresh chapter, adventuring with Jesus.

Ever since I heard Christian peace advocate Jamie Winship talk about his years working among warring radical tribal Muslims, my time reading the Bible and praying to Jesus have changed significantly. 

Thanks to a new way of listening to Jesus, I received a nudge, encouraging me to start writing daily.  The game of this new habit, 6 weeks in, is to put into 175 words or fewer an insight God reveals from that day’s readings and meditations. I love this ‘pleasant boundary line’.  Each week, therefore, I select two of my dailies and offer them here, to you.

My goal is to encourage you, too, to read, digest, talk truthfully to Jesus and listen for what He thinks about any problem or situation or worry and then do what He says.  An adventure is bound to follow, making life 1.0 (until His return) exciting and energizing.

Blessed adventuring to you, dear reader, this 2021.

You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, Revelation 4:11 NIV

For years, I announced: “I’m not creative!” I believed I couldn’t generate novel ways of teaching. Pressure to use my imagination stressed me.

But toward the end of my classroom teaching years, I began to come up with new ways of presenting learning experiences to my French students. Innovation turned into a friend. Different ideas energized me, stimulating me to take risks. ‘Same ole, same ole’ bores us all.

What happened is that I relaxed into my calling, how God wired me (and you).  We know that God is Creator. If we bear His image, it follows that we create, naturally.

Now look at the text – being creative is worthy of honor.

When we originate something, try a new approach or employ different materials, we have embraced our calling, reflecting God.

Who do you suppose works to keep us tired and blasé? Who stands to gain if we believe life and God are boring?

**

They will wage war against the Lamb, but the Lamb will triumph over them because he is Lord of lords and King of kings–and with him will be his called, chosen and faithful followers. Revelation 17:14

My Bible notes remarked that angels are NEVER referred to as ‘called, chosen, faithful followers’.  Only believers!!!

This news stuns me. Implied is this, that if we die before ‘The Last Battle’, we will fight alongside Jesus in his final military defeat of Satan and his vile, wicked guerrillas.

No wonder this life is challenging, hard, often painful for believers, aka warriors in training. Life on earth is Divine Bootcamp! Field exercises and live fire familiarization prep us for real skirmishes with the enemy and the occasional drawn-out battle.

But remember, we have only one enemy – Satan.  People are not our enemy.

My take-away from today’s Bible reading? Suffering is both real and necessary.  God has carefully planned every detail of our training with this future Day in mind. Those who die in the Lord will experience the most exciting, epic Victory in all creation. R&R awaits all soldiers on the other side, our Rest and Re-creation.

Where do you wear your identity?

June 18, 2016

Maria 1 Peter, Addictions, Idols, Uncategorized , , , , , , Leave a comment

Indy Popcon Identity 1 Peter 3: 3a, 4  Do not let your adorning be external… but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.

A jarring contrast:

  • 7200 Gospel Coalition women
  • a milling parade of ‘Indiana Popular Culture and Comic Book Convention’ masqueraded devotees

God used clever costumed characters to reveal my unremitting passion for particular glory badges. I deemed my boasting more reasonable and justifiable.

Until I surveyed Jesus’ red badge of submission