How disappointed ARE you by life? Have things turned out better or worse than you had hoped?
The approach you take to ponder those questions depends on your age, by and large.
Or, it depends on how you were brought up.
I grew up in the 60s and 70s. By the time I graduated from high school in 1975 I had suffered 3 disappointments that I can recall. All three left their imprint. The first let down occurred when I was NOT selected to join the girls’ drill team at my high school. A step below the cheerleaders, this group choreographed routines with flags. It was the first (and last) time I tried out for something. The ‘failure’ humiliated me initially. But what really hurt was being excluded from a group of girls I had wanted to join. I longed for friendship and fellowship.
The next disappointment took place following one year in a French-speaking high school. Toward the end of those 9 months of 9th grade, I had arrived at the point where I finally felt at ease with the language and was on the cusp of becoming fluent. However, my dad’s military assignment to Belgium did not satisfy him professionally and at his initiative with Army assignments back in Washington, DC we moved. I wanted to stay, but as a 15-year-old, I had no voice in the decision. To this day I still wish I had been given one more year in that environment.
The 3rd and more impactful pain began when I ‘fell into’ the grip of bulimia. This was a pain FAR greater than I could handle and lasted 9 years until I was 25 and pregnant with Graham. Repercussions still continue to this day. My journey post bulimia, all directed by God, has led me along different side paths laden with harmful and false thinking, not connected with reality. (Anyone who has struggled with an addiction like an eating disorder understands.) I have grown spiritually, without a doubt, accompanied by much mental suffering.
As I left home at age 18 for college, I had grown skilled at living a hidden life. My mom didn’t know anything about the binging and purging or the nightmare it was for me. This was 1975, after all, and the popular press had not yet discovered eating disorders.
Why am I sharing these 3 events? To provide examples of how my parents did not train me to handle disappointment. At all. And THAT has caused more harm than the bulimia.
So how DID they raise me? What did I hear growing up? My dad, the career military man, preached:
- Maria, you can do ANY thing you set your mind to….. and
- It’s merely mind over matter…and
- Do your best….and
- You can have a good marriage if you give 100%, none of this 50/50 stuff
My mom’s messages were:
- Good girls don’t
- Take time to smell the flowers
I NEVER heard:
- Life is hard
- Life is filled with disappointments and failures and setbacks
- AND here is how you deal with them!
Were my parents Christian?
No, my mom was a church-goer until the middle of my junior year in high school when she became a believer. And my dad had grown up thoroughly tutored in American pragmatism and optimism, raised dirt poor in the land of opportunity. His success was due entirely to his hard work, so he told me.
Didn’t my mom’s conversion to Jesus impact me? Not on the surface. I have no doubt that her prayers for me will follow me the rest of my life into eternity. But as far as verbalized, explicit teaching? Well, we all know how long it takes for God’s Word to sink in to new believers and change their thinking, let alone what comes out of their mouths!
Back to my life as I headed off to college. Compared to my childhood, I can say that without a doubt my life after high school has been hard, filled with more disappointment and suffering.
Of course, compared to some friends of mine, it’s been ‘relatively easy’. And when I look at global suffering, it’s been a piece of cake. I understand that.
What I’m worked up about is NOT my pain, as little or significant as it may be, but how WE don’t teach our kids to handle disappointment and failure. Neither in secular culture nor more significantly in the church.
I teach in a private school that prides itself in being progressive. And whereas they do talk the latest educational trends such as ‘failing forward’, they don’t invite speakers in to exhort and equip students to know how to deal with setbacks. Just think about graduation speakers. You get the picture. Our American verbalized, publicized exhortations to the young are one-directional, toward a bright and successful future. What is the cost? Current culture and the news provide evidence: strewn, broken lives and a rapidly-unraveling society.
Among Christians, I don’t hear of many parents in the US or any other western countries who structure home life any differently. How many parents deliberately allow their children to face trials, exposing them to experiences that might lead to suffering, all along providing a safety net? We have our children for 18 years, on average. The time to fail and learn how to deal with suffering and disappointments should be in the home, before kids launch out on their own. The consequences leap exponentially after that.
By God’s grace, there is ONE small category of families who seem to be teaching their children well. These are the missionary families, whose children face hardships in places around the world, some of which are dangerous by our standards. As one mom I know writes (and I’m paraphrasing) ‘my kids know the Bible is real, because we are living that moment-by-moment kind of life, depending on Jesus for our very survival’. Whew! Those kids are growing up equipped to face the world as it is.
Now for some encouragement for the rest of us:
On Friday, June first, I started to read the May 2018 edition of Tabletalk Magazine. Scroll down the website and look for the issue that looks like this:
Ligonier Ministries publishes this collection of daily devotionals and essays, organized monthly around a different theme. The topic for May is Hope and Disappointment.
A breath of fresh air enlivened my heart when I read the first sentence in the first full article entitled, ‘The Reality of Disappointment’ by Jeremy Pierre. He writes: “Life is one long, steady disappointment.” He then continues to explain what he means and how the believer can see the real hope that life with God offers, an eternal hope that will not prove unsatisfactory and sterile. The very NEXT essay by Dr. David Murray startled me into proclaiming out loud, YES!
He penned, “If our schools really wanted to prepare our children for life, they would offer classes in failure and disappointment.”
Wow! Now isn’t that counter-cultural and brave, to point out what we all learn the hard way. What makes accepting suffering SO difficult for many of us Americans is that our country is all about success.
- What are YOU going to be when you grow up, little child?
- You can be ANYbody you want to be, even the president of the country.
No…..you can’t! What a horrible setup for disappointment.
So, what is ‘my call to action’ as blog instructors teach us writers to add at the end of a post?
I don’t know, maybe the thought that each one of us has the power to start a revolution in embracing reality. Consider this way of framing what we teach our kids before they leave home:
- Life IS hard, because our first parents blew it. And it’s not going to get better in our lifetime here on earth.
- God, who created us to enjoy a perfect world WITH HIM, has wired us to long for perfection, for beauty, for happiness IN HIM.
- There IS another world planned, a perfect world.
- And He offers a way to enjoy that fully satisfying world with Him forever.
- All are invited to come and claim a spot in this permanent joy and peace, but there is only ONE path to it, and that is through His Son Jesus Christ.
- There is nothing to DO or to earn. It is all gift.
- Anyone who longs for this gift is eligible to receive it.
- Once you belong to Him, you are guaranteed His continual presence and supernatural help and a bright future.
- Oh, yes, there WILL be moments of genuine gladness and joy on this earth right now. So, celebrate them as God’s previews of the true and lasting happiness when we see God face to face.
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