From Helicopter Parent to Helicopter Wife

May 2, 2024

Maria Answers to Prayer, Holy Spirit, Marriage, Parenting, Prayer, Proverbs 3 , , , , , , Leave a comment

From Helicopter Parent to Helicopter Wife

Yes, I admit, I was one of those moms.  Even before the term grew into a household word, I would try to remove difficulties from my boys’ lives. If I’m honest, I was more motivated to make their lives easier for my sake. I don’t like people around me to be unhappy. 

That’s pretty naïve, given that in this life, we are guaranteed afflictions. Unfortunately, I grew up with a father who modeled trying to keep everyone happy. Peace at any cost.

For most of our sons’ growing up years, I was not yet a biblical Christian. Nor had I even heard of the caterpillar-cocoon-butterfly analogy. We’ve all probably heard the story of how someone with good intentions trying to ease the struggle of the emerging butterfly actually doomed this beautiful creature to an early death by helping her to emerge from her cocoon.

One time when our oldest son was in 8th grade, he felt his English teacher wasn’t treating him fairly. We called for a meeting with the teacher so Graham could air his grievances. In hindsight we should have encouraged him first to seek a solution himself with the man.

To my shame, I even had my husband write one of Graham’s college professors his freshman year when he earned a C that first fall semester.

This same tendency to want to ‘magic away’ our sons’ problems wasn’t confined to just them. Rather, I have brought that pattern into my marriage.

For years, just because I desired a ‘happy husband’, I’ve tried to fix things for my husband without him asking for my assistance. This is called ‘mothering’ as I recently read.  Mothering one’s children is appropriate (though not in those ways I tried to shield Graham and Wes from good growth opportunities).  However, treating an adult man (and especially my husband) that way is demeaning and dishonoring.

I’m learning now how I’ve made an idol of a ‘pleasant life’.  I’ve been slow to realize that people’s feelings are their responsibility and that upsets and problems can’t be avoided. On the contrary, difficulties provide opportunities for us to grow. Healthy families support one another during trials, offering empathetic love.

In addition, Christian parents and spouses have been given the gift of calling upon Jesus on behalf of the families.  I’m beginning to learn how when we have to struggle with the Lord’s help through a situation, we learn something more about God.  So, why would I want to stand in the way of that kind of blessing for family or friends?

Back to our kids, I do see that despite trying inappropriately to spare Graham from the reality of a mediocre college grade, God guided us to allow him to work alone through a crisis with the Lord.  After that first semester of college, Graham felt dissatisfied with James Madison University and the traditional college track. We allowed him to apply over Christmas to Berklee College of Music. The problem arose when he got accepted and he had to make the decision what to do, whether to stay at JMU after this first year or move to Boston.

As he had been growing as a Christian, we let him struggle with God and pray through the decision.  Wrestle he did, going back and forth in whether he should stay or go for about a month.  One morning, all of a sudden, as he explains it, he awoke feeling he should stay at JMU and not leave. He let that decision sit and as it persisted into the next day and beyond days, he realized that the Lord had indeed led him to an answer. And all through prayer.

Looking back, I see the benefit of treating him as an adult and allowing him to work it out with God. Seeing the Lord actually guide him in a decision about real life, a crisis, changed his faith from theoretical to real.

I know he would say that this was the right decision because once he decided to stay, he threw himself into college life. He formed a band with two friends and met Shay, his wife of 17 ½ years.

Recently, Jesus has been pointing me to how I have perhaps NOT been as good a wife to my husband as I should. For my own sake, I have attempted to create, reframe or control events just to avoid having to deal with the normal frustrations Mike has felt at various times.

It’s not like I don’t have a good example of a mature spouse who trusts the Lord and treats others as he would like to be treated.  He doesn’t try to solve ‘my problems’. He only weighs in when I ask for his advice. 

I welcome the opportunity to make some changes, especially when directed by the Holy Spirit!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. Proverbs 3:5-7 NIV

Control issues?

February 22, 2024

Maria Listening to God, Mark 6, Prayer, Trusting God , , 1 Comment

He told them to take nothing for their journey except a walking stick—no food, no traveler’s bag, no money. Mark 6:8 NLT

Are you practiced at off-loading your anxieties onto Jesus?  Do you have a means for getting them out of your head, either expressing them out loud as you talk to Jesus or writing them down?

Confession time:  This post about what I currently am angsting about is probably going to seem VERY silly-stupid to you!

Yesterday morning, distracted by swirling thoughts during my quiet time, I stopped and wrote down everything I feared, each matter weighing on me.

I’m soon going to make a short trip alone. I’ll be gone 4 nights.  Usually, when Mike and I travel by car, I pack a cooler and bags with our kind of food and snacks. Lots of protein and some of my low-carb almond bread for lunches.  Compared to many Americans, we probably eat weird. By all means, for dinners, we are grateful to eat what our hosts provide.

On this trip, I will be helping my sister-in-law go through Mom’s apartment, sorting, saving and getting rid of things. Among other things, I’ve been stressing over what to do about lunches.  Eating out is pricey and the food I could bring or fix would be much healthier.  But it’s complicated because we’ll be most of each day at Mom’s independent living place. Her former apartment has only a kitchen sink and a frig. No big deal since the residents receive all their meals in a common dining room where they can socialize. But what am I going to do for lunch? I don’t want to plan without taking Eve into consideration. She eats breakfast. I don’t for I wait until lunch for my first meal.

As trivial as all this is, the fact remained is that ‘it’ was bothering me. So, I stopped and told Jesus.

After I flushed my concerns out of me and saw them on paper, I did the next step I learned from Jamie Winship (see his website: https://www.identityexchange.com/ ) by asking Jesus:

What do YOU think? What do you want me to know?

And what do you want me to do?

Distractions taken care of, I picked up with my prayers and bible reading. About a half hour later, Jesus’ instructions to his twelve disciples from Mark’s gospel popped into my mind.

Is that what you want me to do, Lord? Take nothing? Make no provision?

Then an ‘aha’ question occurred to me: Might you thinking I have a control problem?

Is this your way of teaching me that I can trust you?

Five times, I sensed he was kindly and gently responding ‘Yes’

I took a deep breath and said, Okay, Lord. Have it your way.  I WILL trust you. I don’t think I will starve.  I’ll pack a lunch just for my travel day there and count on you to provide. Maybe it IS time, I practice what I say I believe about you being my provider.

Not that it’s not okay to take provisions with you.  But I’m realizing that this opportunity might be both a gift to me to see him come through as well as a way to loosen my grip.

I know my two daughters-in-law would totally agree with Jesus. They are both health-conscious women but relaxed about food in a way that I have yet to grow into. 

So, an adventure awaits. I’ll let you know what happens on the other side of this trip.

But what about you?  If you are a westerner, you probably struggle with control issues in some area(s) of your life?  Just to name a few…..do you trust God for the salvation of your grown kids?  For God to bring in sufficient income each month? For your relationships with difficult family members or people at work and at church?  For guidance about important decisions? For enough time during the day to get done what you must?

We all cling to our independence in at least some area of our lives.  God has let me go on ‘in my way’ for a while. For sure, I’ve changed some. But this feels like a bigger step, not to take any food with me. But I DO want to practice trusting God! And I’m putting my money on him that he’ll surprise me with his gentle goodness.

Who’s in charge?

September 23, 2013

Maria 1 Timothy, Habakkuk, Hope , , , , , , 2 Comments

If I were in charge, I wouldn’t have done it THAT way!

 Have you ever muttered that?  Consider these scenarios

 ·       You’ve been praying for an adult child to come to Christ.  Here he is, approaching 50 and just beginning to show signs of a softened heart.  But you think, “Lord, his life would have been so much better had You done this 20 years ago!”

·         Or it could be your aging mom – defiant until almost to the end.  Suddenly a hearing loss or lessened mobility has gotten her attention and she is asking about God.

·         Or, it’s your husband who has plugged away at his career with such a great attitude, yet no recognition.  “Father,” you plead, “can’t You allow him SOME measure of success!?”

·         You’ve heard of Joni Eareckson Tada – paraplegia PLUS breast cancer?  Not what she would have chosen..yet she claims she wouldn’t change a thing!

·         And finally a Scottish woman whose 2 children died in infancy, her ‘good for nothing’, titled husband was worse than terrible so that all in all she led a bleak life….yet…at age 35 he succumbed to a terminal illness that softened his heart. He actually repented and turned to Christ – literal death-bed conversion whose veracity was attested to by Scottish Presbyterian Pastor Samuel Rutherford.  She later wrote that it was totally worth it, to know that he would share eternal life with her.

 

For sure, not what these fellow believers would have chosen had their plans been sovereign.

 We should also take heart, for it’s not just recent believers who share our puzzled expectations, but Bible heroes as well. Many men and women in the Old and New Testaments echoed equally poignant laments.  The prophets did not understand God’s use of evil nations against God’s chosen people.  You can hear both Habakkuk’s incredulity and horror in 2:13 when he questions the Almighty’s strategy of bringing the hated Chaldeans AGAINST Judah:

You who are of purer eyes than to see evil
                 and cannot look at wrong,
why do you idly look at traitors
                 and remain silent when the wicked swallows up
                 the man more righteous than he?

 And what about the Hebrews en route to the Promised Land?  I bet they would have been quick to give you their 2 shekels’ worth about the frustrations inherent in a 40-year detour.

 

So….? How do these anecdotes help you & me?  When life doesn’t go according to our plan, we have to remember that Jesus is the happy controller (1 Tim 6:15) not us.  Therefore, His route and plan WILL be best.

With this fact about God in mind, I want to encourage all my dear friends (AND ME!!), those

 ·        who have miscarried too many babies

·         who are raising children with less than perfect brain chemistry or physical attributes

·         who are waiting for the right Christian man to join them in marriage

·         who are working diligently to build a business, yet have yet to see growth

·         who are praying that their children’s marriages will heal

·         who struggle with finances

·         who cry out to God to grow their church

·         whose bodies are breaking down and wearing out

·         who want nothing else than children and spouses to come to Christ or to grow in Christ

 God DOES know what He is doing and you are neither forgotten nor unloved.  Cling to Him, wait in faith and pray on:

 With Habakkuk, cry out:

Though the fig tree does not bud
            and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.  (3:17-18)