We CAN change!

May 16, 2024

Maria 2 Corinthians 5, Genesis 22, Identity, Renewing, Trusting God , , , , , , 1 Comment

i….f anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

How have you changed since you became a Christian? I bet you can tick off a number of areas in your life that are different. I can as well, but some aspects of Maria have not been renovated.  I still carry around views of myself that turn out, it seems, to be quite limiting.

For example, I’ve often said, “I’m not good at art.” This seemed to be a reasonable truth. For some people clearly gravitate toward drawing or crafting or painting out of love. Here’s another example: Mike is very musical.  I’m not.  I tried piano lessons for 10 years and because I didn’t enjoy practicing, I didn’t grow much in skill nor in enjoyment.

These conclusions form what are called identity statements, as in: I’m not the kind of person who does X.

Recently, while listening to a podcast, I started to see for the first time just how many of these negative, limiting identities I have absorbed and frequently use.  The guest, Mike Zeller, being interviewed shared a captivating concept of alter egos. 

During the podcast, I found out that he had personally coached the host in identifying his own limiting beliefs about himself. During the conversation, listeners learned how Zeller had guided him in creating a persona that he could ‘wear’ and act like, an alter ego. Each alter ego was given a name. Zeller encourages his clients to name the old persona something silly, something mock-worthy. (think ‘Debbie Downer’ or ‘Eeyore’)

For some reason, this way of stepping away from a negative identity into a new one seemed do-able to me. Especially when I realized that a lot of my self-talk was in fact damaging me, a revelation that had never before struck me as negative. For these beliefs had seemed simply to be true.

For example, I love languages and speak various ones with different degrees of proficiency.  Yet, whenever anyone remarks, ‘Maria, you’re good at languages, they come easily to you!’, I deny that and reply, ‘Not really, I just work super hard because I really want to be fluent in all of them.’

And that’s the truth about how I have thought about myself. I had never seen that in reality, that assessment is both negative and limiting. I was stunned! 

I bet you have run similar crippling scripts through your mind without realizing it. Here is what is hopeful.  You don’t have to retrain your subconscious; you just have to catch yourself in the middle of asserting one of those ‘lines’ and step out of it into a new alter ego.

Here is what I have done. I have identified an alter ego, to whom I have given the name, “Fluent Frankie” (I had an Aunt Frances whom I don’t remember whose nickname was Frankie).

This new gal, ‘Fluent Frankie’, is programmed to respond to someone complimenting her on multiple languages: ‘Thank you! I really like languages and I have found that they are pretty easy to acquire if you’re willing to put in the time.’

I’ll give you another example.  Maria’s depressing view on picking out gifts for family has always been: ‘I’m not a creative gift giver like my husband, my son Graham or my late mother-in-law’.  That self-constructed identity has always made me dread birthdays and Christmas.  Selecting appropriate gifts that delight the person has felt like a burden.

But…..as a new creation in God, with multiple alter egos, I have created, ‘Good-gift-giver Gabbie’ (I’m picking out first names of people I have never personally known). For this new character I can choose to play thinking about and selecting gifts is FUN.

There are about 11 other invented alter egos I have created and can select from when I catch myself running a negative, depressing and limiting script. They are: Patient Paula, Leisurely Leslie, Trusting Tina, Flexible Fiora, Solid Sleeper Sammie, Fun-loving Mimi, Cheerfully-Confident Carol, Silent Susie, Worry-free Wanda, Grateful Gretchen and Stewarding Serena.

The 11 personas that involve my walk as a child of God are glimpses of how I want to grow. I desire to trust more the Father’s unchanging love for me and be more willing to obey Jesus about not fearing or worrying. Handing over all that concerns me because he knows me intimately and IS constantly praying for and providing for me.

Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means “the LORD will provide”). Genesis 22:14 NLT

Have you eliminated leisure and rest from your life?

May 9, 2024

Maria Exodus 35, God's commands, Rest, Sabbath, Spiritual Practice, Trusting God , , 1 Comment

Yesterday a podcast host I was listening to quoted Dallas Willard’s famous advice for improving one’s spiritual health: “You need to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.” The guest then quipped something like, “What do you make of American’s having ruthlessly eliminated leisure from life?”

With that pinging around in my mind, this morning’s passage in Exodus resonated differently than in previous years:

For six days work may be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of complete rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on that day must be put to death. Exodus 35:2 (Berean Study Bible)

Moses has just returned from his second 40-day retreat with God carrying the second set of commands. When he addresses the masses who are now curiously and cautiously awaiting him, Moses communicates God’s priorities by first addressing God’s rhythm of life. He doesn’t start with what we know as the First Commandment to have no other gods than the one true God.

No, on the contrary Moses indicates how the Hebrew people are to live and function in a manner completely different from the rest of the surrounding culture as well as the land they have fled.

Moses teaches the Lord’s view of work and rest. I’m seeing for the first time how serious God is about our need for rest.

Here’s my take having had my mind primed by Dallas Willard’s advice. People probably would not have taken this command so seriously had not Moses taught that this Sabbath day was to be done FOR God, that is for the Lord’s sake. I’m guessing that had it been a command to lay off work for one day in seven for their own benefit, for their well-being, they would have ignored it after the first week of harvest season.

God, no doubt anticipating their reaction, adds a penalty that would have captured their attention. This God of the Hebrews threatens death if they do not comply.  And you know he is right.  When we work all the time, we suffer.

Multiple studies these days show that all work and no rest or play break down our bodies. We weaken mentally, emotionally, physically, relationally as well as spiritually.  Americans, it appears, are working themselves to death.

God’s commands are meant for our wellbeing. Afterall, he created us. He knows how he intended for us to function. He’s not a cosmic ‘meanie’ depriving us of pleasure.  He’s a good father who loves us and has set boundary lines for our own good. Responsible and loving parents do the same for their children.

I admit it’s far easier for me to have margin in my day since I am now retired. I wonder how this would have landed on me when I was 40, teaching school, coaching middle school boys’ baseball, running a part-time business and serving as a Bible Study Fellowship leader and parenting two boys.  And did I mention marriage as well?

My mom tried to advise me. She’d say, “Maria, take time to smell the flowers!” I’d retort, “Easy for YOU to say, Mom, you’re retired.”

But she was right. Rest and leisure are good gifts from our Lord. And we put ourselves in peril if we ignore God’s commands.

When God gives what you didn’t even think to ask for

March 7, 2024

Maria Ephesians 3, God's Provision, Psalm 37, Trusting God, Unbelief , , , , , , Leave a comment

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 NLT

Is there something that you dread? Some big project or task that has fallen to you?  You can’t see how you will accomplish it, given your limitations as well as the time you have? You probably stress, producing anxiety just imagining it.

That was me in the days leading up to my trip back up to Asheville, just 2 weeks after Mom’s death.

I had agreed to help my sister-in-law, Eve, clear out Mom’s apartment after her death. Steve has a full-time job and Mike had work commitments too, staying home with the cats. The deadline for turning over the apartment to management is next week, if the family doesn’t want to pay another month’s rent to this retirement complex.

I had pictured us working almost nonstop 8-9 hours each day.  Given what I imagined, I didn’t know what to do about lunches, since lunch is one of my two daily meals. I didn’t want to eat out and wasn’t sure what I could bring from either my house for the time away or buy locally.

I was also dreading the work involved in sorting out her apartment, since I pictured it as a HUGE task.

Like anything else, I need not have worried.

In my conversations with Jesus before I departed, I felt him suggesting that I do something a bit ‘risky’. He led me to recall Jesus’ disciples who went out 2 by 2 with no food and no extra baggage.  So, for the ‘fun of it’ and curious to see how the Lord would provide, I traveled light, opting to trust him to ‘work it out’. 

Here’s how surprised me. Eve and her husband, Mike’s brother Steve, have started eating meat after being vegan for a long time.  I had known that but didn’t realize how aligned Eve and I are about food, now that she is a meat-eater.  I ended up cooking 3 of our dinners and we went out to dine at a Brazilian steak house where there was a LOT of meat. It was great.

The night before the first work day I asked Eve what time she eats her first meal. We worked it out for the two of us, stopping at the grocery store to buy what we needed each day.  The lunches I fixed myself were perfect. She happily prepared what she wanted as well.  Eve turned out to be pretty chill about food.

But what was even better was that the work load I had imagined as huge was much lighter.  Because of the Lord’s gracious provision of efficient team work plus my SUV whose back seat folds down, Eve and I wrapped up everything by lunch time of the third work day.  We got to rest and chat that afternoon back at their house.

Nor did we work non-stop.

We took plenty of time to chat, getting to know each other’s heart.  She and Steve have been married only 12 years. Before this visit we had never spent 3 days, just the two of us, talking and sharing.

That was the biggest gift to me. She felt it too. We are much closer now.

So, why did I worry? Why do you angst about the future? I know for a fact that you and I have seen the Lord come through time and time again. You’d think we would learn and finally trust him.

Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He will do it. Psalm 37:5 NASB

Your and my unbelief is what keeps us from relying on God at all times.  This sin we must confess each day, asking for his help.  But even though we will continue to indulge in fleshly worry and likely allow ourselves to listen to Satan’s thought-suggestions of lack, we have Jesus’ perfect obedience imputed to us. Jesus trusted the Father always and depended on him for guidance and strength to do the hard things.

May you and I NOT beat ourselves up, but relax in God’s provision and ask for help each moment, not only for the situations themselves but for us to count on him completely. Afterall, he DID create the universe out of nothing.  

Control issues?

February 22, 2024

Maria Listening to God, Mark 6, Prayer, Trusting God , , 1 Comment

He told them to take nothing for their journey except a walking stick—no food, no traveler’s bag, no money. Mark 6:8 NLT

Are you practiced at off-loading your anxieties onto Jesus?  Do you have a means for getting them out of your head, either expressing them out loud as you talk to Jesus or writing them down?

Confession time:  This post about what I currently am angsting about is probably going to seem VERY silly-stupid to you!

Yesterday morning, distracted by swirling thoughts during my quiet time, I stopped and wrote down everything I feared, each matter weighing on me.

I’m soon going to make a short trip alone. I’ll be gone 4 nights.  Usually, when Mike and I travel by car, I pack a cooler and bags with our kind of food and snacks. Lots of protein and some of my low-carb almond bread for lunches.  Compared to many Americans, we probably eat weird. By all means, for dinners, we are grateful to eat what our hosts provide.

On this trip, I will be helping my sister-in-law go through Mom’s apartment, sorting, saving and getting rid of things. Among other things, I’ve been stressing over what to do about lunches.  Eating out is pricey and the food I could bring or fix would be much healthier.  But it’s complicated because we’ll be most of each day at Mom’s independent living place. Her former apartment has only a kitchen sink and a frig. No big deal since the residents receive all their meals in a common dining room where they can socialize. But what am I going to do for lunch? I don’t want to plan without taking Eve into consideration. She eats breakfast. I don’t for I wait until lunch for my first meal.

As trivial as all this is, the fact remained is that ‘it’ was bothering me. So, I stopped and told Jesus.

After I flushed my concerns out of me and saw them on paper, I did the next step I learned from Jamie Winship (see his website: https://www.identityexchange.com/ ) by asking Jesus:

What do YOU think? What do you want me to know?

And what do you want me to do?

Distractions taken care of, I picked up with my prayers and bible reading. About a half hour later, Jesus’ instructions to his twelve disciples from Mark’s gospel popped into my mind.

Is that what you want me to do, Lord? Take nothing? Make no provision?

Then an ‘aha’ question occurred to me: Might you thinking I have a control problem?

Is this your way of teaching me that I can trust you?

Five times, I sensed he was kindly and gently responding ‘Yes’

I took a deep breath and said, Okay, Lord. Have it your way.  I WILL trust you. I don’t think I will starve.  I’ll pack a lunch just for my travel day there and count on you to provide. Maybe it IS time, I practice what I say I believe about you being my provider.

Not that it’s not okay to take provisions with you.  But I’m realizing that this opportunity might be both a gift to me to see him come through as well as a way to loosen my grip.

I know my two daughters-in-law would totally agree with Jesus. They are both health-conscious women but relaxed about food in a way that I have yet to grow into. 

So, an adventure awaits. I’ll let you know what happens on the other side of this trip.

But what about you?  If you are a westerner, you probably struggle with control issues in some area(s) of your life?  Just to name a few…..do you trust God for the salvation of your grown kids?  For God to bring in sufficient income each month? For your relationships with difficult family members or people at work and at church?  For guidance about important decisions? For enough time during the day to get done what you must?

We all cling to our independence in at least some area of our lives.  God has let me go on ‘in my way’ for a while. For sure, I’ve changed some. But this feels like a bigger step, not to take any food with me. But I DO want to practice trusting God! And I’m putting my money on him that he’ll surprise me with his gentle goodness.

Abundant leftovers

December 23, 2023

Maria God's Provision, John 6, Trusting God , , 1 Comment

When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.”  So, they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten. John 6: 12-13 NIV

Are you feeling exhausted, worn out with all the rush and preparation that our civilized ‘first-world’ celebration of Christmas includes?

I have 4 sets of friends who are sick with bad colds, ordinary viruses or Covid.  They are run down. It’s the end of the calendar year, the end of the first semester of school. And ever since mid-October, it’s been push, push, push with first Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and now Christmas.

I’m referring to the commercial busyness we take on, not the quiet, meditative heart preparation that Thanksgiving and Advent provide. We neglect our hearts to comply with the cultural expectations that take over our thoughts.  

So, when these verses in John popped up this morning in my study, I saw refreshing news! 

Fact – we have a good Father who provides us with abundant leftovers. So what? What does that imply? 

For me, that means that today’s looming ‘To Do’ list that I jotted down shouldn’t unsettle me.  Sure, half of what I have planned involves people I want to write or message, but the other items are household chores, appointments or scheduled activities. 

What I have found over the past 15 years is that when I daily hand over to God my availability for his purposes, when I prioritize people over tasks, God is faithful to stretch my hours to accomplish most of what I deemed important. Plus there always seems to be time to relax and read for 15 minutes before I start the evening dinner prep.  (Reading is my restoration time).

Here is what I wrote down this morning in my journal: “Maria, don’t hoard time or worry about ‘getting things done’.  Don’t worry about if we have enough money when the Lord prompts you to give.  For in God’s kingdom, his leftovers are more than that with which you started the day, or the month”

Isn’t that what this miracle shows?  Jesus began with 5 small rolls of bread and a couple of dry sardines.  And when the disciples collected the leftovers, not only had the multitudes eaten to their satisfaction, there were twelve baskets of life-sustaining bread to more than take care of the hunger of the disciples.  The generous boy and Jesus’ guys were well taken care of.

So, take a deep breath, relax and trust our generous Father who richly provides all we need.   

What do I do when I don’t trust God?

November 30, 2023

Maria God's goodness, Psalm 143, Trusting God , , 1 Comment

Cause me to hear your loving kindness in the morning, for I trust in you. Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to you. Psalm 143:8 New Heart English Bible

During Thanksgiving week when we had 8 family members staying with us and 5 others in a nearby hotel, I had little alone time to spend with Jesus.  But one verse, from God’s word, IS always enough. And I have milked this declaration of faith for what it is worth.  But there is more nourishment to be had, for sure.

Why did these words for Psalm 143:8 resonate?  On one hand, I’m ashamed to share the reason.  It’s because, I don’t truly trust God’s love and goodness. And I know I NEED to hear each morning how much he does loves me.

You see, this Thanksgiving family reunion almost didn’t happen.  And I wanted it SO badly. Our son with 4 kids who lives in El Paso didn’t decide travel here until 1 ½ days before their scheduled flights. The littlest, Caroline at 19 months, had Covid the week before and each of the family had been sick.  Then ‘Mom’. who is 95, didn’t want to road trip the 7 hours down from Asheville because she was afraid of leaving a nearby bathroom and her assisted-living caregivers. 

When finally on Sunday night at the start of Thanksgiving week we got a glimpse that it was green lights on all fronts, including the Tampa family, I felt stunned at how God had really come through, again, just like he did with our Italy trip.

What was that about? Well, leading up to our mid-September departure, I had been afraid that something would prevent THAT from happening. Again, I REALLY wanted it to happen.

Cousin Terry, who had ‘held my hand’ (so to speak) by praying alongside of me for these two major events and prayer requests pointed out in a text how good our God is.  And my immediate unspoken response was, ‘Yes, but will he come through again?’

That’s when the Holy Spirit crushed me by convicting me of my lack of trust.  Yet our Father, in his kindness, sent me this answer from Psalm 143.  And I have clung to it and recited it daily since then.

The only remedy for my lack of trust in God’s goodness is to hear over and over about his perfect love for me, his ‘chesed, which is the only tool capable of driving out all fear.

As I studied verse 8, the words all make sense, except for the last bit, ‘for to you I lift up my soul’.  I had to ponder that and figure out for myself how to ‘translate’ it into words that resonate.  First, I came up with ‘for you are my goal’.  That helped a lot, especially this past Monday, our normal weekly cleaning day. This Monday required more time because the house was pretty dirty from being well used.  I found myself getting a bit ‘grim’ until I reminded myself, ‘Maria, remember Psalm 143:8.  A clean house is NOT your goal, Jesus is!’

Today, I received an even more apt idea of what it means to lift up one’s soul to something or someone. I now understand it as, ‘I want more of X’, whether that is money, recognition, power, or love.

What is it that the psalmist wants?  Exactly what I desire, the ONLY thing in the universe that will satisfy me.  I need more of Jesus.

With that part of the equation ‘filled in’ so to speak, I then worked backward in that verse, moving into each earlier phrase until the start of verse 8.  ‘Father, if my goal is more of your Son, Jesus, then show me how to lead my life THIS day. You know I trust you, because I hear, read, and experience your love for me on a daily basis. Please. Do it again and blow me away during my early mornings with a sense of your mind-boggling love for me.’

Discussing that verse repeatedly to Jesus has been a life line.

Do you see how all you need is one good mouthful of God’s word to feed on?  We are all busy, and some more than others. 

Anne, married to our son Wes, cares for a toddler and three ‘bigs’, homeschooling the ‘bigs’, cleaning, cooking healthy meals of ‘real food’, working out and studying for a health coaching certification.  She has little disposable time. But ‘one word’ from God more than sustains her.

Steve, my dear brother-in-law, cares for my mother-in-law and holds down a full-time job.  He, like Anne, has little time.  He often compares himself to his wife who spends a good chunk of her early morning in prayer. But ONE word from the Father that he chews through in his day, digesting it well so that it nourishes his soul is enough.

So, dear friends, whether you’re in a busy season of life or a more leisure-filled time, one ‘word’ is enough. And if you feel inadequate as a believer, turn back to Jesus and be real with him. He will feed you like a momma bird cares for her babies.  He knows just the right food and the appropriate portion.

Is it a sin to express the darker emotions?

November 4, 2023

Maria Fear, John 16, Luke 22, Painful emotions, Psalm 112, Strength, Struggles, Trusting God, Truth , , , 2 Comments

“Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done.” Then an angel appeared to Him from heaven, strengthening Him. And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground. When He rose up from prayer, and had come to His disciples, He found them sleeping from sorrow. Luke 22: 42-45 NKJV

Do you ever find yourself afraid of what awaits you in the future? Potential losses or disappointments?

Or course the Bible describes in detail our Father’s good plans for us, plans to give us a land (work) fertile enough to produce what we need and to share with others. But we also know that Jesus promised suffering in this world.

I’ve occasionally shared with a close friend that it’s not MY personal suffering I dread. Rather I project or imagine the pain I would feel if one of my family members were to suffer loss.  It’s other people’s pain that I fear I can’t handle.  These disordered dreads go back to childhood patterns my parents unconsciously modeled and taught me. Only in the last couple of years have I been realizing that I might not need to fear OTHER people’s feelings. A new idea has recently helped me in this growth.

Last week, to my surprise AND my relief I found someone articulating exactly what I have lived with, this misty dread of the future. On page 179 in her recent book, The Garden Within, Anita Phillips writes:

“Sometimes we say we trust God even when we’re not sure that we do.  It can be hard to sit in the presence (of God) when you’re not sure you’re safe there.  Not trusting God is the same as being afraid of God. But it’s okay to share your fears with the Creator.  It’s okay to say that you are afraid of what might happen. That you are afraid of what God might allow.”

After I read and reread her words and let them sink in, I thought about Jesus in Gethsemane and how an angel strengthened him.

In the worst of the most unimaginable sufferings ever experienced by a man, gazing into the hell he was about to go through, the Father fortified him to bear up. Rereading the text’s timeline surprised me.  First came the angel alongside of Jesus divinely strengthening him.  THEN began the horror.  Don’t you find it strange that Jesus endures ‘agony’ to the point of excreting bloody sweat at THIS point, and not on the cross? 

Could it be that God gives us space to imagine the worst?  To feel the future sadness that loss might bring?  I think so.

But as believers, we are left alone in our suffering or even our thoughts of potential, future suffering. God has placed within us something better than an angel, himself as permanent Comforter and Provisioner.

Therefore, I don’t need to fear deep emotions like grief, whether mine or someone else’s.

I should know this because, even if for a few moments, when I let Mike in on what I am going through or what hurts, I feel better.  Patience and genuine empathy radiate from him.  If a fellow human being can bring relief by just sitting with us in it, surely God does that even more.

With Jesus as our model, you and I should feel relief in knowing that God welcomes ALL of our emotions. No need to stuff them or bear them alone. Nor is it a sin to get angry or to fear the scary. The sinless Savior freely expressed joy, love, satisfaction, disappointment, unmet longings, anger, grief, hurt, depression and fear. And he practiced what he taught. Look at how he ‘gets up’ after wrestling with God in prayer. With a peace-filled settled heart, he turns to give a hand to his disciples who are exhausted by all that is happening. We, too, can experience peace each time we return to the Lord.

My takeaway after meditating a while on all this, is that you and I can ‘approach the throne of grace’. When we turn back to Jesus and get real with him, that is when we confess or ‘truth tell’ as Jamie Winship calls it, we receive his consoling fortification via the ComFORTer.

Since he has given us his promises to soak in, I take them to heart. The most reassuring and perfect one in this week’s experience has been from Psalm 112: 1, 7 (NIV):

…..blessed are those who fear the Lord, who find great delight in his commands…….. They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

Yes, we are promised sorrow, but listen to Jesus’ assurance to you and to me:

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. John 16:33 NLT

Do you believe the minority report?

July 22, 2023

Maria Discouragement, Faith, Fear, Healing, Job 34, Mark 5, Pain, Romans 8, Satan, Trusting God, Unbelief , , , , 1 Comment

While He was still speaking, people came from the house of the synagogue official, saying, “Your daughter has died; why bother the Teacher further? But Jesus, overhearing what was being spoken, said to the synagogue official, “Do not be afraid, only believe. Mark 5:35-36 NASB

You’ve heard it said that God doesn’t waste any of our sufferings. That he works them for our good.  John Piper, pastor and theologian, has angled this principle in a challenging way, encouraging believers themselves NOT to waste the suffering appointed for them.

My daughter-in-law asked me the other day about sleep irregularities, “What do you think the Lord is showing you?”   Useful question, for it reenforced the truth that we should always be praying as did Job, ‘Teach me what I do not see!’ (34:32)

My latest adventure has been into the world of pain.  Specifically, hip and back pain. Today is day 65. (Yes, I’m keeping a record of this journey).

‘Father, this pain seems to have gotten worse in the last week.  I’m afraid I won’t get better!’ I confessed yesterday morning.  Mark gave me the first scriptural exhortation NOT to fear, but instead to trust what Jesus says and does. A little while later, the Holy Spirit asked, ‘Have you truly handed this pain and fear over to the Lord?’ I responded, ‘How can I, when IT keeps coming back each time I move?’ He shot back, ‘That’s a false report. This is only psychological warfare, employed by the enemy. Don’t believe it.’

This morning, my hip hurt even in bed. Once up, coffee at hand, I journaled to encourage myself: ‘The evidence points to ongoing ‘pain’.  But I will not fear.  I will trust you, Jesus.  No weapon formed against me will succeed, neither poor sleep, nor pain, nor any other distraction. Help me!  I bring my total self to you, Father, Lord, Spirit, Holy Three, worthy of my full attention.  I know you are working this pain for my good, as you do with all affliction and suffering.’

What next came to mind stunned me. A resolve, a conviction. I’m not going to believe the ‘Minority Report’ of:

  • My flesh
  • The world, or….
  • Satan

Instead, I am going to believe the ‘Majority Report’ of:

  1. 66 Biblical writers
  2. The Holy Spirit
  3. Jesus
  4. Father God
  5. All the angels in heaven
  6. the ‘Crowd of Witnesses’ who have gone on before me
  7. Phil and Adrienne, my 2 physical therapists.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but this day, I will look to the Lord.

Am I just burying my head in the sand?

March 3, 2023

Maria Acts 20, Fear of the Lord, Holiness, Matthew 13, Philippians 4, Trusting God, Worries , , , 1 Comment

And now I entrust you to God and to the word of His grace, Acts 20:32 NASB

I spent some time awake last night trying to come up with ways to manage the thinking and feelings of a few people I care about.  Yes, what a stupid goal THAT is and as you could easily predict, I didn’t land on any solutions.  Eventually, I fell back asleep.  But the heaviness of this self-imposed task greeted me straight away when I got up.

As seems to be the pattern, those morning-afters tend to make me very receptive to God’s suggestions. I’ve been listening to a podcast conversation between John Bevere and Christopher Cook about the holiness of God and how we are to fear letting anything come between us and Him.

Obviously, nothing material can separate me from the immaterial God, but boy oh boy can my thoughts shift my mind away from the Holy One. Thinking (or rather angsting) about the ordinary, those created and passing concerns can use up my mental and emotional energy.

Sitting down with my coffee, before I even opened my Bible, I confessed with my pen: “I’m clinging to the idol of an obligation-free, a problem-free, a dilemma-free and a thornless life here and now.  Whereas you command me to cling to you and fear MORE losing sight of you, not hearing from you and being deprived of a sense of you.”

In my heart, I know that God is holy and worthy of the majority of my thoughts.  But I had chosen to put my meditative powers to use in imagining what how others might be judging me.

After time reading some scriptures in Isaiah, I picked up a little tear off daily devotional.  God pinged me again.  The verse was:

Mathew 13:22 (NLT) The seed that fell among the thorns represents those who hear God’s word, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life and the lure of wealth, so no fruit is produced.

The Greek word for ‘crowded out’ is ‘suffocated’. I see that the worries of my little world and perhaps the occasional national or global issue have been absorbing my attention.  Of course, Satan is at work to cause all of them to seem ‘oh, so important’.

I then thought, “Why would I want to think about anything that weighs me down? Afterall, God offers (and commands) a different way to live. In Philippians 4, Paul exhorts me to stop and shift my gaze and thoughts upward to what and who is worthy of my attention. If I belong to Jesus, then I am connected to the supernatural power of God.  He alone can work out my fear-producing issues as well as the world’s problems.  His common grace given to all mankind together with those in his Kingdom who have access to ‘the mind of Christ’ (1 Corinthians 2:16) are one way my good Father resolves our problems.” 

So, with a glad heart that prizes God more than anything, (help me, Lord!) the Holy Spirit of God reminded me to hand over all these issues, big and small, global and personal.

Gladly, I transferred this heavy and depressing mess to him, offloading all of it at his feet (the Greek term for ‘entrust’ in the Acts 20:32 verse is ‘to lay down alongside).

Then Satan flung the thought: ‘So you’re just going to bury your head in the sand?  Is that how you plan on feeling light-hearted?’

I countered out loud: “Nope.  I’m going to copy Uncle Paul who ‘entrusted’ the Ephesian believers to God’s care, counting on the power of God’s living word of grace to be enough for them.”

I received renewed energy from all this back and forth with Jesus, but I know the battle for my mind continues. I, and you as well, have an enemy set on destroying us.

If it’s going to be, is it up to me?

February 9, 2023

Maria Prayer, Psalm 37, Trusting God, Uncategorized 1 Comment

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him, and He will do it. Psalm 37:5 Berean Study Bible

Immersed and imprisoned in the dark grip of binging and purging, I could not conceive of how God could free me.  Afterall, I was the one shoveling cookies or M&Ms into my mouth. No one else was causing this addictive behavior but me.

But God DID rescue me. He DID bring me up out of the pit of despair and I didn’t have to DO a thing. He simply gave me a more compelling desire, that of treating my body better when I found out that I was pregnant with our first child.

Fast forward decades.  This same living God who never changes has periodically directed my way of thinking, lifting me out of my no-exit vision and set me down in a more spacious place with broader vistas.

For the last year, I have ‘needed’ more pocket money than our budget allows. In August, I started praying, waiting for God to direct me. But after a month of no answer, I took things back into my own hands and took on a Friday substitute teaching gig. Yes, the extra money was what I wanted. But it lost me a day. For I had to block off one day a week to be ‘on call’. 

After 3 months, I realized that I had traded time for money.   I realized that I wanted my day back. The dilemma then became:

‘How can I make that extra pocket money without tying up my Fridays?’

I have churned over this for about 2 months, seeing ‘no exit’.

But last week God used a conversation, some podcasts, and time alone with him to lift me up out of this dilemma.  First, our son Graham mentioned in passing that at age 40 he works out hard twice a week.  When he shared that data from a recent medical exam brought him evidence that he is indeed uncharacteristically healthy, that gave me pause.

Next the Lord arranged for me to hear on a podcast that the most important factor in our physical health is the quality of our relationships.  Do we have friends and family members with whom we feel safe enough to be real? Can we express our feelings without condemnation?  

Since for years I have been exercising hard three or more times a week in order to stay healthy, Graham’s revelation coupled with the podcast point struck a chord. Logical reasoning gently led me to the possibility that if I cut back the number of exercise classes I take and pay for in a month, I would have the money I want without having to work on Fridays.

To reenforce that line of thought so I could see that God was behind my ‘metanoia’, my current theological reading has been preparing me to consider intentionally setting aside space in my week to be quiet, to listen to what the Holy Spirit wants to communicate.  All of a sudden, I felt a new energy, a growing desire to gently walk and be quiet, open to God.  This is what Graham does.  Twice a week he goes to the gym and twice a week he walks for 2 hours in the morning, listening to God.

Dilemma solved and direction shifted!

Now I come to a current need and issue.  This morning I gave it to God to handle.  What is this situation and how do I see it?  We live far from our two sons and their families.  I want to see them more.  I want to stay connected. I want to build rapport with our grandchildren. But I don’t know how.  Encouraged by the ‘time and money’ issue, I am excited to see what God is going to do.

As I ended this morning’s time with the Lord, I turned to a new page in my journal and rewrote Psalm 37:5, personalizing it by using other English translations of the Hebrew words.

Maria, roll off of yourself, unburden yourself from these cares/issues/problems/worries. Disengage from them and roll them away and ONTO the Lord.

Hand over your customary way of life and thinking, placing your confidence in Him. That way you can live care-FREE, feeling completely safe.

And HE shall attend to, HE shall put all those things you’ve given him in order. Psalm 37:5 Maria’s translation.

What a promise, what a savior!

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