In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12 NASB
Sometimes, from early on as a child or teenager, you make a pledge never to do or act like one of your parents. As a teenager, I didn’t want to be ‘weak’ or ‘lazy’ like my mom. Nor did I want to be as ‘rigid’ as my dad. (Descriptions seen through negative teenage eyes!)
But then there are the patterns of behavior that slip into you without you knowing it. It might be a long while before you can make the connection between how one of your parents acted and what you do that is just like him or her.
This is one of my stories. I’m just now recognizing, mid 60s, how I try to ‘optimize or organize’ family behavior in an attempt to improve relationships.
Another way of describing my clumsy attempts would be: I try to manipulate or orchestrate the words and behavior of others toward an outcome I think is optimal.
My dad did this when I was still at home. He sensed that there was a bit of a chill between his brother’s wife, Edna, and my mom. He would plan phone calls and ‘get’ my mom to talk with Edna. He would instruct Mom to write Edna newsy, friendly letters. And my mom would comply to please my dad.
Now you have to know my mom. She was the most people-loving person I have ever known. As a practiced journalist, there wasn’t any one she couldn’t establish a connection and get them talking with ease.
She would also share how good Jesus was with every stranger she met. Then having learned ‘their life’s story’ would pray on the spot for them.
But my aunt Edna (as well as my mother-in-law, Terry) were not women who warmed to my mom.
It’s a fact, not everyone is going to like us. Even if we have a genuine love for people. Even if they are part of the family.
My dad wouldn’t accept that Edna didn’t care for my mother and he would push her to keep trying to engage with his sister-in-law. He also did that with me, forcing me to show emotions that I didn’t have. I learned to fake sympathy, empathy and apologies just to appease him. He never seemed to pick up on their inauthenticity.
The main point of me telling you this, is that I now realize how I have done that with Mike ever since we had grandkids. I probably started early on to project my anxiety over my natural abilities as a grandmother onto him.
As I have grown more in confidence as a grandparent, I see how I have tried to ‘get Mike’ to act in certain ways making ‘veiled’ suggestions. My man is intuitive and emotionally in tune to others. He can smell manipulation a mile off, just as I could as a teen with my dad.
Besides suggesting what to do with our grandkids, I also say things like, ‘Have you contacted your brother recently?” or, “You know, you could respond to ‘so-and-so’ by writing this.”
I’m horrified to realize that I’ve been acting just like my dad. It’s not loving. It’s fear-based and wrong. And it’s prideful. Who says you should copy my way of interacting with others?
If I didn’t like how my dad forced his ways on me or my mom, then my dear husband doesn’t either. I therefore resolve, with God’s help, to ‘let it go’ and work on Maria. May I let others manage their own relationships to suit themselves and please God.
Fortunately, Mike is very kind. He’ll forgive me when I slip into old patterns. But I do want to kill this off.
Reflections on God's Word 
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