I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. Romans 7:15 NLT

My first thought was, “I did not handle that situation well at all!” As I replayed the event with a close friend, I started to feel worse and worse. At the time, I had no idea that I had hurt her. But now it was too late.  Only in fiction do you find those choose-your-own-ending storybooks. Sadly, this was real life and my heart ached.

I slept little that first night as I ran through the events and what I could have done differently. I awoke still feeling sad and ashamed.

It took me until midafternoon to hear the Holy Spirit’s prompt.

I was driving to my exercise class when the Lord brought to mind: Maria, Jesus already died for this!

Then a small kernel of an idea grew: Maria, you have to apply the gospel to yourself.

How does one do that?  I’ve never even thought that through.  But it rang true.  Coupled with that counsel came the truth of God’s sovereignty.  I spoke this fact out loud so my soul could hear:

Satan meant this for evil, to harm your relationship with your friend, but God meant it for good!

Okay, what is the good that can emerge?  I need to look for that.

At the gym, I had about 25 minutes on a cardio machine. To distract my mind, I let it float among these new thoughts.  Almost staccato like, others arrived. As soon as I got into my car, I grabbed the yellow post-it notes and pen that I keep handy.  This is what I jotted down as I applied the gospel of God’s grace to my heart. His assurances included the following:

  • I have not ‘blown it’ irrevocably.  Our relationship may have taken a step backwards, but there’s still time to mend it and grow healthier as friends.  And if it never does heal, well then, one day ALL relationships will not only be restored, but made new and perfect.
  • The truth is, my friend doesn’t know the half of my dark heart.  I’m worse than she realizes AND far more loved than I can even imagine.  Yes, God’s love for me outweighs my sinful, impure motives.
  • Although it’s true that we’ve had issues before that I thought were behind us, apparently the scab had not totally healed. Her accusatory words, some true and others not, were like a severe bump that started the wound to bleed again.

Other counsel from the Holy Spirit included:

  • In this occasion, my assumptions that led to my hurtful action were not correct. Developing the habit of rechecking what I think to be true and running it by the other person could make a difference in future situations.

But what has healed me the most is the image of light. Our God is he who commanded light from the beginning of creation. Supernatural power and protection stream from God’s light. When men encounter Jesus in his luminous light, they fall down powerless. Recall the transfiguration and Paul’s encounter while traveling.

So, in order to stop replaying that scene with my friend over and over, I have flown to the light.  Jesus abides in a circle of light.  Where Jesus is, there is only truth.  All the whispered lies that feel like truth can’t stand the light of God. They only hide in the darkness of fear and shame.

When I’ve been tempted to beat myself up, I have drawn close to the light of Jesus. Several nights have passed and I’ve been able to sleep.

I’m now on a hunt for bible verses about God’s light, aka God’s truth. I NEED that salvific healing balm.

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 1 Peter 2:9