Not thinking about myself – what a relief

June 26, 2012

Maria Grace , , , , Leave a comment

I was listening to Tullian this morning.  His sermons are balm for my battered soul. Do you know that critical über-nanny who has perfected the knack for getting one to feel bad? Her thinks she lives in me – her name is ‘old slave-driver SELF’. I forget to keep kicking her out, now that the Holy Spirit lives in me.  Apparently the HS is such a gentleman that He waits for ME to act as a proper hostess should and show the ‘no-longer-welcome previous resident’ the door.

Anyway, Pastor Tchividjian loves to talk about Grace and I love to hear podcast sermons about Grace.  I can’t get enough of this topic.  I feel like a perpetually starving man whenever I am fed Gospel Grace.  I think it’s because I have lived so long in the Land of Law: “ Do this! Do that!” to be an okay Christian.

But what I heard this morning set me free…..for a spell.  Tullian was talking about how fruit is produced.  You don’t exhort a small apple tree seedling, “Grow some apples!”  Instead you water and fertilized the roots.  Likewise (per Tullian’s analogy), we shouldn’t command…..manipulate…… guilt……or browbeat ourselves OR other Christians into producing fruit (good works of joy, love, service…..).

Instead we should feed the roots of faith with the truth of the Gospel – the account and details of what Jesus has already done.

Tullian said that the more we examine ourselves to see if we are growing, we actually DON’T grow.  Christian growth happens when we take our eyes OFF of us and put them on Him!

All of a sudden I FELT the lightness of relief.  I actually HATE thinking about myself.  I get SICK of thinking about myself.  I spiral down DEPRESSED thinking about myself.

Then it occurred to me:  Maria – you don’t HAVE to think about yourself.  In fact it’s biblical NOT to.  Paul says we are to think about things that are “TNR PLA EP” (I actually say out loud – ‘tenor play, extended play’ to remind myself to think of topics that are True, Noble, Right, Pure, Lovely, Admirable, Excellent and Praise-worthy)

Recalling those attributes of topics worthy of meditation, I immediately responded, “Well, I’m certainly not Pure – only Jesus is – that’s a no-brainer!”

Then I realized, “then I don’t even QUALIFY to be on the hot topics list– whew!”

The last category of items to ponder is praise-worthy.  That fits well with the book I am slowly savoring, “one thousand gifts” by Ann Voskamp (read the book!)   Filtering my thoughts to allow only what is praise-worthy eliminates criticism and complaining and sets my eyes to look for beauty, blessings and miracles.

And what about problems, people and events about which I’m concerned and obviously have no control?  Paul has that covered.  We’re to cast them in our Father’s lap, thankful and confident that He can take care of all of them. We delegate them to God and look for His guidance and direction for action steps we are to take today.  If we are unsure, we talk to Him as we make the wisest choice for the moment, confident that He IS directing us to take the proper actions necessary for right now.

It’s far simpler than I make it out to be.  Here are some Gospel facts I want to swim in:

  • Keeping my eyes on Jesus, the blessed controller of all things
  • Christ in me, the hope of Glory
  • Forgetting all that is past….since there is now no condemnation
  • Walking and following the author and perfector of my faith
  • Setting my mind on things above where Christ is
  • Washed clean, no more robes of SELF, in my new birthday suit, clothed comfortably with HIS robes of righteousness, held in place with the belt of truth. (any lingering layers of self-righteousness just make the belt TIGHT)
  • Boasting only in Christ
  • Overflowing with thanks for having been chosen from before the creation of time
  • Qualified before time to be an inheritor of the eternal, imperishable treasure

What do you find praise-worthy?

 

 

2-way Grace – a distinction

June 19, 2012

Maria Grace, Philippians, Psalm 116, Psalm 131 , Leave a comment

I’ve heard it said that Grace is God’s one-way love.  I don’t intend to take away from that truth. Let’s just call it, “making a distinction.”

I love distinctions.  They help me sort out what I’m thinking; they give me an understanding of a concept.  Then it is mine.

Take the word ‘reasonable’.  It used to be a very good word.  But I didn’t know that until 2 years ago.  I grew up with the newer definition.  For example – if I asked to borrow 2 eggs from you and mentioned that I was going to the store the next day and would pay you back – that was a ‘reasonable’ request.  I wasn’t asking TOO MUCH from you – not like: “I need to borrow your one and only car for 3 days. May I please have the keys?”   Definitely UN-reasonable.

But reasonable doesn’t mean that at all!  Saying “yes” to Michael when he asked me to marry him after five weeks of dating happened to be a very REASONable decision.  He was both a philosopher and a good cook; we enjoyed spending lots of time outdoors together; we liked reading & travel; we worked in the same profession and he was cute!!  There you have it- 5 excellent REASONS and I haven’t even gotten warmed up!  That was a REASONABLE decision. (That ‘reasoning’ process took place 33 years ago, come September.)

Do you see why distinctions matter?

So it is with grace. God showers us with individual gifts called grace.  When we stop and notice them, SEE them and drink them in richly and then thank Him, not only are we pleasing our Father, we are enhancing our enjoyment of the gifts.

I saw this most closely yesterday as I was reading Phil 4: 6-7 in French.  That’s the exhortation not to worry about anything but to take every concern to God in prayer, with thanksgiving.  See if you can figure out what the verse means – there are lots of cognates. “…exposez vos requêtes à Dieu par la prière et la supplication avec des actions de grâces ;…. » Look at how the French translate ‘thanksgiving’ – actions de grâce !!!!!

I got to thinking that in some small human-sized way, I can give grace back to God by thanking Him for what He has given to me – in this case, access to Him for supernatural help!  My thanking Him pleases Him; He grants me more than I can ask or imagine according to His will; I see His hand all around me; I rest in His care; I tell Him how much I love His gifts; I feel close to Him; when something else comes up, it’s only natural that I turn to Him since I’ve been talking to Him.  It’s an X-stroke engine that once purring, it is easy to keep running. (why X?  – I don’t know – just seemed like X would indicate more than a limited number like 2 – besides, I don’t know cars!!!)

This is actually borne out by other scripture:  consider Psalm 116: 17 – to Thee I shall offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving AND call (try substituting: by calling) upon the name of the Lord (i.e. praying!!! – asking for more help)

Some dear folks mistakenly and pridefully reason, “God has too much to do running the universe to take an interest in my problems…besides doesn’t God help those who help themselves?”

No!  But that’s a topic for another distinction..and another blog – what part God does..and what part do we do.  For now let us be like the psalmist in Psalm 131, verse 2 – Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; like a weaned child against his mother, my soul is like a weaned child within me.

Dear Father, help me to see You and to cling to your Goodness like that trusting toddler.  Encourage me to ask for your help when I am in pain, anxiety and confusion.  Cause me to remember to thank you moment by moment.  In sync, in union, in step, in rhythm with your Grace.

Painful start to summer vacation

June 10, 2012

Maria Idols, Sin , , , , , Leave a comment

Thank God for Christian girlfriends and a Godly husband who have been holding me up recently.

School is out and I have frittered away 2 of my 11 weeks with not much to show for them.  I have been anxious and depressed.  (Does this come from too much time on my hands?)  Or am I being confronted with one of my many idols?

– My worth consists in my productivity.  Here is what I did today!  Just call me superwoman.

My other idol that has me bowing and scraping as a willing slave is a fit body.  As a recovering bulimic I think constantly about food and exercise and how my body feels and looks.

“Time for the training wheels to go, Maria!”  Suddenly, I have been confronted with the hollowness of my props.  But not alone.

In divine preparation, one friend gave me a book that has had me meditating on living in the present moment. I’m learning to construct a new reflex of gratitude, while trying to remember that all I do and think should glorify God.  That I can thank God FOR the previous moment that brought me HERE and live in that particular HERE, dependent on Him honors Him. That sacramental attentiveness in lieu of my customary rushed oblivion actually slows down T-I-M-E because it makes me aware of how the eternal I AM (Yahweh) is the God of the present moment.

Last Saturday in one of my rare ‘Ecclesiastes’ moments, I couldn’t think straight.  I kept saying over and over, “J’ai perdu mes repères!!! – I’ve lost my bearings.  I don’t know where I am and where I’m going.  I don’t how to frame my life!”  I finally thought, ‘I should share with my husband, after all, he needs to know what is going on and be a priest to me.’  I was in the bathroom cleaning the floor when he came up to change clothes to mow the lawn.  We sat down on the floor, leaning against the bed.  I told him what I was feeling (same ole, same ole).  As I teared up, he held my hand, listening to me.  When I didn’t know what else to add, I glanced up at him, embarrassed and spent with my emotion.  I saw that he was silently crying, entering into my pain.  Then he prayed for me.  Didn’t offer any advice.  Just sat WITH me and LOVED me.  Never have I felt so tenderly understood and accepted.

A few days later over coffee, another friend opened up about her anxiety in a way that gave me freedom to share my pain about being a slave to fitness. Then and now via email she has been listening to me and my customary thoughts (kept private up until NOW) and reflecting back to me how irrational they are.  (Anything that doesn’t align with God’s Truth needs to be ditched!)

Thursday,  I picnicked with another dear friend who is a classics expert and Godly woman as well.  I got up the courage to share with her what was going on with me and how these first 2 weeks of summer vacation have been painful, fleeting and have felt wasted.  (She teaches at my school and is on the same schedule.  One of the differences between us is that she knows how to rest without guilt.)

She reminded me that we live in wartime.  She pointed me to Revelation 12 where I read how the Accuser pursues us.  Sensing his time is short and driven in his Satanic Smear Campaign he boldly marches right up to the very throne of God bringing stinging condemnation.  Not bothering to address him, the Holy Father just points to the Son sitting next to Him, as if to say, ‘Why bother, these children of mine are clothed in my Son’s purifying blood, you can’t smear them!’ But Satan doesn’t give up:

17 Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to wage war against the rest of her offspring —those who keep God’s commands and hold fast their testimony about Jesus.

So dressing in gospel armor with my helmet of Salvation is a daily necessity!  (There is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ)

Finally yesterday, I was catching up with one of my favorite young friends who inherited ME when she married our son.  She shared what she was learning about anxiety – that it is fear about the future.  As such, it is SIN.  And God has provided us with the gift of repentance.  We can experience FREEDOM from guilt, as much as need. Her anxiety is not a condition that God has given her and that He will remove if she prays fervently enough.  In hearing how she is processing anxiety, I was drawn to applying how I live with condemnation which drives me to live by law.  But that TOO is SIN.  And I can repent and move back into the realm of Grace where I am welcome.

Have I enjoyed my first two weeks of summer vacation?  NO!  But I think this is a gift whose time has come.  It’s time for me to unwrap the present and learn the lesson.

Thank you, Lord, for your gift of pain that is preceded by and accompanied with Godly friends and family.

‘How blessed, blissful, to be envied – i.e. ASHER, is the woman (having her sins covered because SHE repented) who now trusts and relies on the unfailing love of the Lord’  Psalm 32: 1 & 10

 

Getting Dressed – Psalm 32

June 5, 2012

Maria Gospel , Leave a comment

Currently Psalm 32 is my favorite scripture to recite.  I crave daily the truths it blazes. Unconfessed sins weigh me down.  I bend over to cover them up.  My belt of truth grows tight from this cover up and shameful cower.

Finally I break free and lift my head & hands to God and release the burden of my sin.  The belt is loosened. I’m weightless.  Light warms my face and body – no more guilt TODAY to darken my soul and weigh me down.

In this position, God exhorts and encourages: “Let everyone who has tasted this ‘chesed’ – this loving kindness pray to me”.   When we do pray, we are promised three things:

  • Protection while in the midst of danger with eventual musical rescue
  • Guidance and instruction about where to go, with on-going care as we journey through life
  • Joy as we remember our upright position when freed from sin

The Bible calls the man or woman who knows these truths, ‘asher’.  Asher means blessed….enviable….happy…..joyful.

*

After this daily confession, with my belt of truth comfortably reminding me that I’m secure in the light, I continue to put on my Gospel armor. I slip on my Peace-with-God sandals:  no need to fear that my access to His throne will be blocked.  My stance and confidence in my standing are firm.

I’m covered by Christ’s righteousness…no need to fake being something I’m not. I’m free to confess sin as it occurs; I don’t have to pretend a righteousness that is not mine.  Jesus’ righteousness is comfortable and comforting. I need that secure breastplate over my heart.

I consciously don my head covering marked, “SAVED by GRACE”.  Recalling that I have already been rescued helps me to reject:

  • the fear thoughts of ‘what if?’
  • the depressing thoughts of:  I’m-not-good-enough
  • the lack thoughts: God might not come through TOMORROW!
  • the superior & judgmental thoughts: At least I’m not….

Now I raise my shield of faith and cover not only myself, but the Church that is around me, those Christian brothers and sisters I encounter throughout my day.  I offer them protection by reminding THEM of gospel truth.  And when the going gets tough because the enemy is attacking me or a brother or sister, I pull out my short dagger and yell, “It is written: _____________!”  The demons scatter, horrified and wounded by the power of God’s Word.  ‘We better leave this Daughter of the King alone for now,’ they reason.

Gospel armor: fashion that NEVER goes out of style.  And I haven’t even mentioned the snacks I bring with me to nibble on throughout the day for energy.  We’ll talk about that another day.  But who doesn’t eat at least 3 times a day!